Listen and Hear

Fin

2009-12-31T15:45:00.000-06:00

My Dad died this morning.

Space

2009-12-13T21:09:00.002-06:00

Specifically this space.
I don't know what it is for anymore.
When I started we were in the midst of adopting. It didn't work out and it still breaks my heart today.
Then we moved and tried ART again. And failed again.
Then we gave up.
Quit.
And my infertility journey ended in the most wonderful way possible.
I've blogged it all.
Maybe not great.
Maybe not consistent.
But as I search through my archives for things, I am reminded of things that happened.

I've had a rough year. My whole family has. I think that E took his mom's death harder than he thought he would. He's had a huge shift in responsibility at work. His frustrations started coming out in his personality. And I had to tell him things that I never thought I would have to.

My family was hurt by someone that I thought had been a good friend. A friend who I thought would tell me as a fellow parent concerns with our kids. Instead it seemed like she kept a log about Dani's behaviors and decided to throw it at me all at once. I'm sorry, I don't think that my child is a pervert because she is trying to go into the bathroom to wash her hands while another girl is in there going potty. Self-involved? Sure. The whole thing has made everything with my neighbors off too. Because she CCed them when she wrote me. And she told me I was the childish one because I was so upset. She did me a "favor before HRS came knocking on my door". Well, my life isn't missing anything without her. In fact, I'm a lot less stressed. I'm still sick over it some days though.

I've seen fellow bloggers attacked and I've admired their thick skins and ability to keep going. Maybe it's because they are attacked by people who don't really know them. But what happens when you are attacked by someone you do know?

How do you get past it then? Sometimes it's a member of your family, sometimes a friend. You are told your morals are out of sync and you are an irresponsible parent. You have a bad attitude. You don't really know the reasons for things.

And these people are supposed to love you?

For the past several months I have surrounded myself with the people who love me. E, Dani, and the Squirt. Everything I do, I do it for them. And I put on a happy face when I am doing it.

When I am upset, I come here.

Maybe that's why I post so infrequently. Because most of the time I'm happy.

Not that anyone ever asked.

Relief

2009-10-20T09:15:00.002-05:00

For now at least. E came home 2 Fridays ago with a huge empty black bag that he proceeded to fill with clothes, uniforms, laundry detergent, and toiletries. His career field has been tasked to support a deployment. That is all he knew. He didn't know where, when they were leaving, or when he would be back. We expected the phone to ring all weekend with the orders for him to report. But it never came. He checked in on the next duty day and they said that the mission wasn't due to leave til the next week. So we still had some time. Then on Thurs. he got word that his support was no longer needed. We breathed. A little bit. Because you never know. They could change their mind at the last minute. Now that day has passed when they were supposed to have left. And he is still here.

25

2009-09-25T10:45:00.002-05:00

The GENEROUS percentage of reliability that I invest in my husband to get anything done. First, let me say that I love E. He is wonderful. He is a great communicator, father, husband, partner. I could not imagine what my life would be like if he weren't in it. But he is so aloof.

We are both taking classes right now at the same online university. The courses are 5 weeks in length. I have been taking mine consecutively. E has 4 weeks in between his classes. There is a lot of reading, writing, and researching involved for this school. And it is very time consuming. And I fully understand that I have the luxury of staying at home so theoreticially, I should be having no trouble keeping up with my work. However, everytime I sit at the computer table the Squirt cries. He wants my interaction. So the only time I get to do homework is when he is napping. But I haven't been sleeping well. So half the time he is napping, so am I. And when I wake up I am in worse shape than when I laid down.

I can't keep up on the housework. I don't have a big house and it shouldn't be so hard to manage. But this pain? This chronic pain that I have had for my entire adult life? Is kicking my ass. I am on a medication for it. And things got better. But now it isn't better anymore so I think I need my dosage adjusted. Not being able to move = no housework accomplished.

Dani. I love that child. I love her like nothing else in this world. But the choices she makes and the boundries that she teeters on are so frustrating. She wants to go outside to play. I say don't bring any friends home (I am exhausted and the house is filthy). She says, "ok if we go out back we'll use the gate". She doesn't get it. So in 1.5 seconds I lose it. And we get into a screaming match.

The Squirt. He is wonderful. Sweet. Smart. His vocabulary is exploding. But he is also clingy. And I think he is teething. And I want to spend time with him and nuture him but I'm tired. He's heavy and I'm in pain.

All of these things make me really irritable and the slightest thing sets me off. E keeps asking me what he can do to help. And it always goes back to the same thing. Don't bother me with asking what you can do. If you have to ask, I may as well do it myself. Open your eyes. Do the dishes. Take the kids for a walk. Come home on time. Don't flip out when you can't figure out what the baby wants or because Dani has an attitude. When you volunteer to get up with the baby at 6 am on the weekend so that I can get another 2 hours of sleep don't bitch to me that you are tired when you stay up until midnight or 1 am working/playing on the computer. Do your work at work. Don't bring it home. Check what day of the week it is... do the trash cans have to go out to the street? Sweep the floor instead of grumbling that there are obliterated Cheerios on the floor.

Every complaint that he has and every sigh of annoyance that he breathes feels 10 times worse to me. Because it makes me feel that I am failing at everything that I wanted to do. I shouldn't have to give him an itinerary of what I need help with. If that is what he needs, how can I believe that if he could handle things when I go to work? Or if I have to go out of town for a family emergency? Or if I get sick?

It's almost as if the more things pile up, the more I want to withdraw. But I can't. Because I can't rely on anyone else.

Bitter

2009-08-24T10:42:00.002-05:00

Why is it that every status update that I read of a 37 year old aquaitance on Facebook about her new pregnancy that she achieved while her husband was home for ONE MONTH on leave still leaves that bitter taste in my mouth?

Not too mention that she annoying about it. Like the month before he came home she asked on FB "should we have another baby?" (their son is one month younger than the Squirt, so that is TWO pregnancies in one year. My thought was that no, because then we will have to listen to you whine about it). Then before the pee even dried on the stick she announced it on FB. Then the next day started whining about how sick and hungry and tired she felt. Today is her first ultrasound and I am afraid of sending bad mojo. So, I'm venting it here. Oh, and she also whines daily about her husband being gone. Which I understand, trust me. But let it rest.

I don't even comment on her status anymore because I know I would say something snarky.

How's things?

2009-06-04T14:58:00.004-05:00

Eh, not bad.

The Squirt is 9 months old. I didn't update for his 8th month. He's bigger, and cuter. He eats and poops more. Sits up without falling down most of the time. He has 2 teeth. This week he started lunging for things out of reach so he has face planted onto the carpet a few times. Which probably wouldn't be bad, but it is just an area rug over tile floor. So, he's not too happy with it.

Dani passed 2nd grade. She got 'picked' by the school to participate in a summer tutoring program to give her a jump start on 3rd grade. I think that used to be called summer school, but her passing is not contingent on her attending. Her teacher suggested that we keep her practicing skills over the summer. So after her summer session ends, mid July, I am going to have some daily work for her to do. Maybe 30 minutes or so a day.

The fallout with my neighbor. Still out. She completely over-reacted and serverely misjudged the philosophies and morals that E and I have built our family on. She has acted inappropriate at times, but she doesn't seem to allow that other people do that. I'm not angry at her, I'm very hurt that she did not investigate what was said to her, and that she made a decision on my child's 'punishment' without consulting me. You don't want my kid at your house? That's fine, I don't want her there either, but you don't have to go into a tirade, IN AN EMAIL, about how wrong I am as a parent. Without even asking me. This all could have been avoided had she 1. Came to me in person, 2. Asked me to talk to Dani, 3. Not been such an asshat. Oh, and after talking to my other neighbors about the things that happened? She's the only one with the issue.

My mom. I guess is doing fine. I haven't talked to her. I don't know if she knows that I know what she tried. My stepsister says that she is a brand new person.

I started my online classes. Currently in week 3 of 5 of my first class. It's a fluff class, so very easy. I'm still waiting for them to evaluate my credits so that I have a firmer timeline of when I will get my degree. I think it will be at least a year.

I'm having some anxiety issues but I really don't want to go back on the Z. I'm working out again so I'm hoping that will help.

Our dog is slowing down every day. Her demeanor is fantastic. She has the personality of a puppy. But she is locked in the body of a 90 year old. And it shows. She stumbles and falls at least once a week and it's just a matter of time before she breaks a leg. There has been a couple of times that she has squatted to pee and not been able to stand back up.

Oh, for Mother's Day I got a new laptop. I love it. I also got a new refrigerator. I love it also. It is one of those that has the freezer on the bottom. Very pleased.

Today was Dani's last day of school. This Saturday is her next belt graduation for Tae Kwan Do (green!).

I'm watching her play in the front yard on the water slide. Alone. And I would be sad about it, but she is having an absolute blast.

Haystack, meet Needle

2009-05-15T13:09:00.003-05:00

I had this email from my mom Tuesday night. It was time stamped 3:54PM.

"Just a quick note to tell you all I love you, and I wish life had been better for all of us. Soon things will get better, Mom's know these things.

We never tell each other enough. Love, Mom"

My step sister called me at about 7 that night saying that the EMTs had just taken her to the hospital. She tried to commit suicide.

My step dad is upset with my step sister for telling me. Evidently, they weren't going to tell us at all.

I just don't even know what to feel anymore. She is OK I guess.... they hold suicidal patients for 72 hours so she will be home Sunday night.

Real Estate

2009-05-05T13:06:00.003-05:00

Remember when I wrote about neighbors? Well now we are on the shit list. Because of something Dani has been doing 'for months' but noone felt it was important enough to tell us. Except one parent who collected all of this information and threw it at me in an email. Because she didn't want me to blow up in her face. Because I 'blame' other parents for their lack of discipline and make excuses for my child.

And evidently there has been a meeting with all the other parents on the street and they have decided to ostracize and ban my daughter from their homes.

Without discussing any of this with E and me.

I am just sick.

And now, incredible lonely.

Volcano

2009-04-30T14:04:00.003-05:00

The ground trembles for months
Your wails are angry and squalling.
The landscape is evolving
It will never be the same.
The Gods cannot appease you
We cower from the inevitable
Eruption!
Your first tooth.

The Squirt actually cut his first tooth about 2 weeks ago. I just haven't had 2 minutes to post it. His second one cut through 2 days ago. He is much happier now. We all are.

Unexpected

2009-04-22T12:15:00.003-05:00

10 reasons why a nearly empty box of pantyliners is the perfect toy.

1. Because you are desperate for 2 minutes to brush your teeth.

2. Because at first the box is a drum.

3. Since the box is cardboard, it doesn't disinegrate when a certain luscious baby puts it in his mouth.

4. When the pantyliners start falling out of the box, it's a brand new toy!

5. Pantyliners are absorbent. Perfect for a drooling, teething baby.

6. The backing makes a wonderful crinkling sound. The baby manipulates his hands working fine motor skills!

7. If the baby gets the crinkly backing off of the pad, it doesn't rip when he puts it in his mouth.

8. If the crinkly backing is off, the baby cannot drop his new toy. It is stuck to him!

9. Those 2 minutes to brush your teeth? It turned into 15 minutes of lovely silence.

10. Pantyliners look funny when stuck across a baby's forehead.

Moving On

2009-04-17T21:01:00.002-05:00

We have been living her for almost 3 years now. We closed on this house on June 5, 2006 and spent the previous 4 weeks in a hotel on the island. This is the first place that E and I have ever lived that we will be here for more than 3 years. It feels like we have a migratory clock. We both feel the need for a big change, but there isn't anything to change.

Something that was never mentioned to us in the endless pieces of advice about buying a home were neighbors. It has only recently occurred to me that when you buy a house, you are investing in that neighborhood too. We had always enjoyed close relationships with our neighbors before and we do now. But we are realizing that we are going to be friends with these people for a long time. And let me tell you, it is much easier to be neighbors with someone than to be their friend. There is a lot of drama that goes on in a close neighborhood. And if you are in the middle of it, especially when that drama is between two of your closest friends, then things get sticky.

My neighbor M, bless her, had the worst luck it seemed. It appeared that her kids kept getting targeted in fights, her husband was an ass, she couldn't find a job, they never had any money, the list is endless. However, in getting to know her over the last few years, I've realized that she is the catalyst that always messes things up for her. Last year, she came to me begging for help because her house was in foreclosure. She was going through a loan modification process and that was going to help her. So, I helped. I helped her write a letter to her lender explaining her hardships, and she got approved. She wound up with a mortgage that was less than mine, and she has a house twice as big as mine + she has a pool. She later told me that she went into foreclosure on purpose so that she COULD get her loan modified.

Last summer, she told me that she went into preforeclosure again because the rates went down again. I told her I wasn't going to write a letter for her (in addition to the ones I had written to a previous employer, another lein holder, and the county when her husband got arrested during a domestic dispute). I told her that was a scheme just like my mother would pull, I felt it was unethical, and she was taking advantage of the process. She didn't talk to me again until after the Squirt was born because she couldn't stay away from him.

Three weeks ago she came to me again. She went into preforeclosure again. And she wanted me to write her a letter. Again. I told her no. I told her she was cheating. She said that Obama had a new program in place. I told her, "You didn't believe in his programs enough to vote for him, but now that you need it, you'll take it?" She said, "Hell yeah!" I refused to write the letter. Now we weren't yelling. I was joking around with her and she was joking with me. We never raised our voices. I was very honest though in my position and told her she was acting very financially irresponsible. She retorted that it didn't matter because her credit was awful anyway which I rebutted that it is awful because she keeps doing things like this! I told her in 2 years when her son wants to go to college he'll have no hope to pay tuition because of her choices now.

She has since redone her master bathroom, and kitchen. Complete with cutting out a half wall, and getting granite counter tops in both rooms, and new cabinets in the kitchen. She gets a manicure and pedicure weekly. She goes out to dinner at least once a week. They have 4 vehicles (a fifth one got repossessed, and one of them doesn't work).

And she can't pay her mortgage. A mortgage that is less than mine.

She has also had it out with one of my other neighbors. This year. In the three years that we have lived here, she has gotten into arguements with 6 families and has cut off contact with them all.

I am keeping a low profile. I bet she's mad at me again. And honestly, I don't see how I am losing anything in that.

Annoyed

2009-04-16T10:25:00.002-05:00

Who has a whole week off from classes for Spring Break knowing that on the first day back there will be an essay test and doesn't take any of that time adequately prepare for that exam, doesn't show up on test day, then hims and haws with the instructor to finagle time for a make up test?

The chick who sat next to me, that's who.

Checking Myself

2009-04-14T21:16:00.003-05:00

There are blogs that I just shouldn't read. But I can't help it. I just disagree with so much of what they say. But I still have a natural curiosity to understand how other people think. I never flame them for their positions. At least not in their comment section. E gets an earful now and then because I just cannot believe that some people are so intolerant of the way that other people choose to live their lives.

There are controversies over breastfeeding, abortion, vaccinations, ART, sexuality, weight, politics.... the list is endless. And all everyone can do is get their panties in a twist and huff around because the author's opinion is just so wrong. Or ignorant. Or hateful. I don't know why I want to understand some people's point of view so much. I would never confront them because they are free to have their own thoughts. And they justify those thoughts and are convicted of their positions. And that is just fine. It is not my job to make them think any differently.

I guess its like a trainwreck. You can't just look away. My eyes have been opened to other people's positions. Some that I feel are archaic and old fashioned. Other's are very modern and almost as unfeeling and unaccepting. Both are guilty of not tolerating the polar view, which I feel is unfortunate. I don't think that people should get out of their comfort zone to concede to someone else's view, but is a simple, "Huh, I never thought of it that way" too much to ask?

When my ex mother-in-law died, I started going through a change. My goals and opinions changed. My feelings on tradition and obligation changed. I began to grow into the person that I am today. I formed ideas of what I wanted to accomplish in my life. I wanted to do something. To be something. And I started on the road there.

I am a whole new person now. Only 13 years later. Only. That's 1/3 of my life. I don't mean to sound "wise beyond my years". It means something to me.

I'm starting to awaken again. I'm starting to change. I find that I am becoming more defined in my position of tolerance and love. And it angers me that people who are intolerant infuriate me because it is completely counter-productive.

I'm a tolerant person. And it upsets me when people try to change my mind about things I have thought long and hard on. Things are going to be written here because I am changing. I am becoming someone new. You may not agree. And that's OK. But it is also OK if I don't agree with you. It is an opportunity for dialogue. Because if we don't understand each other, there is no hope.

7 Months

2009-04-04T11:14:00.003-05:00

Behind again. Pictures coming soon.

The Squirt is so fun. He has started bridging when he lays on the floor. He gets SO excited when he sees us. Dani has a renewed interest in him and he loves her. She likes to carry him around and he squeals and grabs her hair.

His gums are angry. I'm excited to see when his teeth will come in. Dani's came in on her first Easter which was March 31. It will be a huge coincidence if his break through on the 12th.

We hooked up a swing on the tree in our front yard. He loves to swing. But I need to get a new one that has an actual seatbelt. E and I have had to adapt an old belt of his to be a seatbelt.

He has discovered the fine art of blowing raspberries. The neverending sound of "Dadadadadadada" quickly evolving into "Didididididid" and the baby singing sound of "lalalalalala".

He has a new appreciation for his babysitter who had to go out of town for 3 weeks due to her father's death. He spent those three weeks among different moms in my neighborhood (all good friends), but he seems to like being with Sitter much more.

He has a jumpy seat that he LOVES. We have had to raise it twice since he has started using it. I think with every jump he grows. I even move it outside and he will sit on the porch and play for an hour. I hear squeals of adoration coming from people passing by on their walks. I'm really proud of him.

He has started to gain a little bit of balance and will sit unassisted for a few minutes at time. The poor thing has no upper arm strength and can't push himself up yet.

He has finally succumbed to the wonderfulness of food. He now enjoys an early morning bottle, a late morning bowl of cereal, an afternoon bottle, a late afternoon baby food adventure (2 containers), and an evening bottle. Usually there is another bottle sometime during the night. He just can't quite get through the without a little extra nummie.

I have a wall in the kitchen where I have marked Dani's growth and now I have added his in. It doesn't seem real that he has already grown half a foot since birth. There are still moments when he doesn't seem real.

Really, there is nothing in the world that is as magical as the existence of your child. Maybe I feel this deeper appreciation because my kids came to me through such a long fight. It's almost as if the Squirt is a huge reward. He is the perfect addition to our already rich lives.

I know this has a rushed tone, but I really wanted to pound this out while my thoughts are still fresh in my mind. I have pictures to add, I just need to crop a few.

Good-bye Mom

2009-03-21T14:22:00.002-05:00

I'm kind of bummed. E's mom died last night. She called on Thurs. night to say that she was going into a medical facility/home the next day. She has been living with E's oldest brother for several years and been on a constant oxygen flow for just as long. She had severe emphysema and probably cancer stemming from a decades long smoking habit. There were some xrays taken a few years ago that had very obvious mass-like characteristics. So her passing in no way comes as a surprise. She got sick in Jan., went to the Dr. and he said that she had only months left. She has had a home care nurse come to the house since then, but it had all started to get to be too much for Brother to take care of. She had fallen I guess, recently, while he was at work and gotten hurt, so I'm glad that she realized that he couldn't take care of her anymore.

She went peacefully, in a quiet room. Oddly enough, in the same building that her mother arrested in a few years ago. She had spent the day with two of her three sons. E talked to me last night (probably moments before she died) and said that she seems ready to go, but afraid at the same time. I can't even imagine. There won't be any service because she didn't want one. The kids and I are staying home.

I knew her 11 years to the day.

I have always admired her for raising the son that became my husband.

Today I did things that she hasn't been able to do for a very long time. I spent time outside and planted a few vegetables, herbs, and flowers. I took deep breaths of the spring air. I felt the cool air fill my lungs and course through my body. I looked into my young children's eyes. I drove. I let the sun beat on my skin.

I've been in deep thought about her for the past few weeks.

She loved the moon. It is waning now. Ironically. Tonight I'll sit under it and do my best to honor her.

6 Months

2009-03-06T14:45:00.003-06:00

I'm so far behind in everything. I cannot wait until my classes are over. Anyway, here is the Squirt's 6 month post.

He is so much fun. He is sweet, cuddly, excitable, happy, sensitive, and demanding all rolled into one 16 pound package. He is still not impressed with baby food. He enjoys wearing it more than anything else.
I call this "Toe Jam..... Prune to be Exact."

He still doesn't like to be on his stomach, but he will tolerate it for a few minutes.

And I got these beautiful pictures.

See how happy he is? He really is like that 90% of the time. And, in turn, so are we.

Milestones this month. Consonant sounds 'b', 'm'. He loves to latch onto my face. He grabs ahold of my face on each side and clamps onto my chin with his gaping mouth. When he sees someone he recognizes over my shoulder I feel his little fingers clamp onto me in delight. He also beams this wonderful smile at whoever he is looking at. That is a sure-fire way to get Daddy to come back into the room. He has discovered his voice and he LIKES it. He also pulls a blanket off of his face to play peek a boo but he hasn't figured out that he can put it there if he wants to.

He stopped breastfeeding completely. I had no choice but to get over it. At least on the outside. I'm still a little sad. But honestly, its nice to have my body back again. Which incidently, feels as if it is falling apart.

Conundrum

2009-02-18T09:37:00.002-06:00

I miss you Blog.

I miss my internet friends.

I discovered Google Reader and I barely visit anyone's blog anymore. Only the ones who I can't read their full posts.

Have I mentioned how much I hate writing papers?

Let me pose a question.

The damage to my van from the accident is purely cosmetic. I can rub off most of the paint that transferred from the other car. And the dent, I'm pretty sure can be popped out quite easily. I'm getting money from the ins. co. to get it fixed. But, the amount I am getting will pay for 3 classes in my bachelor's program.

So, what would you do? If you had a vehicle that was 7 years old, and only had superficial damage would you pocket the money or have it fixed? I am not planning on trading in or selling my van until it dies, which I'm sure will be at least another 5 years.

If you kept the money, what you would spend it on? Fun or function?

Grumblecakes

2009-02-11T10:36:00.002-06:00

So, I got a little sideswiped yesterday on my way to class. The other driver and I swapped info. Both of us were fine, my back was already on the outs, and we could drive our vehicles. So we continued on our way. Both of us were on our way to 8am classes.

So, I call my Dr. this morning because I just wanted to make sure nothing got too jacked up. But he doesn't handle liability stuff. So, I can't make an appt. with him regarding my accident. Sure, I can regarding my back, but not my back because of the accident and file it through my health ins. I have to have my appt., pay out of pocket, and then claim it under the vehicle ins. It's so much of a hassle, I'm not even going to do it. Oh, and the soonest they could get me in would be Monday. Hell, I'll be better by then.

Rollin' rollin' rollin'

2009-02-08T06:52:00.001-06:00

From tummy to back. He did it last night. I'm so excited! And unlike his sister, he did it more than once. Now we have to get him interested in going from back to tummy. Then he can roll his happy butt around the house and give my back a break.

It's Over

2009-02-06T21:07:00.003-06:00

The signs have been there for weeks.

Disinterest, stress, crying, impatience.

This week.... well. We decided to end it.

The Squirt has broken up with my boobs.

He decided that I am too hormonal.

Naturally, I feel rejected but at the same time I have a new sense of freedom.

Mothers will always mourn how fast their children grow.

5 Months

2009-02-04T12:37:00.003-06:00

I'm a little behind. I am a week late in posting the Squirt's 5 month progress report. I'm also behind on the dishes, the laundry, vaccuuming, and general housecleaning. However, I'm not going to use this time to gripe about how overwhelming these little things are for me. Little things like a pacifier laying on the floor under the swing for an entire week and noone picking it up. Said E, "Oh, I didn't even notice it." Yeah, you don't seem to notice a lot.

NO, I am going to use this time instead to talk about the Squirt!!

Again, I will say that it isn't fair that he has grown so much. I didn't get a lot of pictures. Not good ones anyway. Who knew a baby could move at the speed of light and blur any attempts at documenting his babyhood? See how devious he is?
With my start of classes he has started spending about 5 hours twice a week with a sitter. The first couple of weeks were rough but he's starting to get into it. I realized that he loves me and misses me when I am gone.

I look at the picture above and for a moment I get a glimpse of what he will look like when he is older.... like 5.

He is back to a milk only diet. If we try anything else this is the response we get. Also, he will hold what ever we try to give him in the back of his mouth and try to yak it out. It's quite funny and I find that I try to give him things like juice, cereal, Orajel, and Tylenol just to see the look on his face. The above picture was Orajel.

His greatest achievement this month was the discovery of his feet. He is completely in love with his toes. He will lay like this for a long time and lift his legs up, then down, up then down. It is endless fun for him.

Still no rolling over, still now worried about it. He is very snuggly. When Dani plays with him he grabs her hair. She squeals, then he squeals, then E and I say, "Look, the kids are playing together."

Then we sit back and sigh, "Wow, we have KIDS."

Edit

2009-01-26T20:10:00.001-06:00

We've been working with Dani on a project for school for Black History Month. We found this while proofreading.
We also fixed it, but not before I died laughing on the floor.

Laundry Soap

2009-01-25T07:49:00.002-06:00

Along with my recent endeavor into coupon shopping and building a stockpile, I made my own liquid laundry detergent. There are several recipes floating around on the internet and even some for powdered, if that is what you prefer. This is the one I used.
1 bar Fels Naptha Soap. It is located in the laundry aisle. I really like how it smells. Grate this.

Add it to 12 cups of water, heat and stir over medium heat until the soap melts.

While it melted, I put 1 1/2 cups of Borax, and 1 1/2 cups of washing soda into a 5 gallon bucket. These are also both found in the laundry aisle.

This is your melted soap. It is yellow because the soap itself is yellow. You can use other types of soap, Ivory was the most substituted in what I read.

Add your melted soap and 8 more cups of hot water into the bucket. Stir this until the Borax and washing soda are dissolved. Then add 12 cups, and 2 more gallons of water. I added cold and it seemed to gel instantly with the temperature change. I'll try adding warm water next time. Stir, and stir, and stir some more. I also used a whisk to break up a lot of the clumps. I was literally elbow deep in laundry det.

Let it sit for 24 hours before you use it so that it will gel appropriately. I whisked several times in this 24 hour period. You use 1/2 cup per load and 1 cup for large loads. It is low sudsing so it is safe for HE machines.

This made a little more than 3 gallons for me and it should last me 6 months. I have lots of the Borax and washing soda left to make more batches when I run out. I refilled old detergent bottles that I had kept for this purpose. I did notice that it tends to separate as it sits, so I give the bottle a real good shake to remix it. I may fill up another container halfway so this shaking is a little easier. I am suffering from Tennis Elbow from schlepping around the Squirt so anything weight bearing is a little painful.

If you want a different scent, you can add essenstial oils. 1/2 oz. to 1 oz. depending on what you like. I'm wondering about getting some lemon grass so that it will help detract mosquitoes.

I calculated the cost that it took me to make. Based on what I used of the ingredients, not including the water, it was $2.00 to make just one batch. That works out to .02/load.

This was a lot of fun as I enjoy doing things like this. I am really enjoying this frugal lifestyle that I started. Do me a favor though, when I start cleaning and reusing zip top bags, have me committed, K?

Transition

2009-01-24T17:37:00.004-06:00

It's official. 75% of our household is in school. E's online class started this week. My classes are in full swing. Dani just brought home a good report card. Yay!!

I'm trying my best to make the transition easier for all of us. Tues. and Thurs. nights are slow cooker nights. I'm trolling sites like here and here for ideas. Before I leave for school in the morning, I put dinner in the crock pot. This leaves me time in the afternoon to catch a nap if a certain smallish person in our house doesn't let me sleep through the night. We have been working ahead in Dani's homework on the weekends and on non karate nights so that she has some extra free time. E's routine is very flexible as his class is online and he can check in several times a week.

Speaking of transitions, the Squirt is growing, still. I know, right? He will be 5 months old on Monday. I had to start moving him up to 6mos. clothing. I think it is more in his height. I've also realized that he doesn't like wearing pants. I think that they may be too tight on his waist. So we have a lot of diaperless time, or as the wildly cute newest internet term in the Nicky noo-nah!! Love it.

And lastly, I had to give him a suppository today. He hadn't pooped in 5 1/2 days. Now, I am really perplexed in this. He only gets a formula bottle four times a week. Two each day that he is at the sitter. He has decided that anything that is not milk, he hates. So, we have had no cereal. Only in the last day or so have I introduced juice because I am desperate to get things moving, so to speak. Right after I administered the suppository, I sat him on the toilet and he did go. So, at least some of the pressure is off. Oddly enough he hasn't exhibited any signs of discomfort over the past week. So, I am guessing he wasn't in pain, but I thought that 5 days was a little excessive.

Otherwise, things are good. I have pictures to post of my homemade laundry soap making experiment. My class load isn't too bad. I'm sleeping better. Dani is awesome. I have an amazing husband. I'm really happy.

Wow.... I'm REALLY happy.

For real.

This post sucks

2009-01-14T07:00:00.004-06:00

What's the point of having a baby that sleeps through the night if he doesn't sleep through the night?

I don't know what is wrong with him.

Maybe its because his quilt needs to be washed so he didn't get to sleep with it the past 2 nights? See previous post and the bullet referring to the Puke Bath I was subjected to. Maybe he doesn't like being swaddled anymore so he has to learn not to flail his arms while sleeping and wake himself up.

Maybe he's teething? He has been gnawing on his hands and wrists for a couple of weeks, but not drooling.

Getting a cold? His nose sounds very snuffly. He coughs a little bit, but most of the time I think he just likes to make the noise but there are a few 'real' coughs in there.

Come to think of it, his naps haven't been that great for the past few days either.

As for other Squirt news , he currently uses a bink. Though it seems that the only time he really uses it is when he lays down for a nap or for the night and when he gets really upset and needs to be soothed. I have seen him suck on 2 fingers but his coordination still isn't that great to have formed it as a habit. Also, when he is in the swing, he doesn't use the bink to fall asleep and sometimes when I lay him on the floor to play he dozes off with nothing in his mouth.

My reason for introducing the bink in the first place is because I currently have a 7 1/2 year old who still sucks her thumb.

So, at what point do you start weaning from a bink? I was thinking at 6 months. But is that too soon and will it cause him to find a substitute soother such as his fingers or thumb?

About Last Week

2009-01-12T07:08:00.002-06:00

Oy. I'm glad last week is over with. I'm giving it to you in bullet style because every time one of these things happened, I felt like I was dodging one.

I emailed E at work to ask him a question and as soon as I hit 'send' my laptop POPPED and the screen went black, it partially rebooted and told me I had a system error. I suspect that the hard drive died.
I missed an appt. of Dani's with the ortho. for her elbow. When I made said appt. the receptionist asked about the 5th. I said I have another appt. that day, so she set me up for the 6th. Well, when I get to the appt. on the 6th, Dani's Dr. is not even there on that day. She was still scheduled for the day before. And they didn't bother to call and let me know that I had missed the appt. That would have been nice, wouldn't it?
While leaving for said appt. I back out of the driveway and close the garage as I'm leaving....only the garage door gets ALL kinds of jacked up on the way down. Well, the 3 feet down that it made it anyway. The cable had popped off the pulley system and on the opposite corner the roller had popped off the track. E and I had to force the door closed without squishing ourselves and now we have to replace the door. Bye-bye tax refund.
My left hand was practically useless for 2 days after the garage thing because evidently I strained my muscles somehow and I lost most function of my left thumb.
It took me 2 hours to do my grocery shopping because it seems like every 5 minutes I had to stop and soothe the Squirt. I was so exhausted by the time I was done. And between schlepping all the bags into the house, feeding the baby, getting Dani from her Scout meeting and throwing something together for dinner, it took 3 hours to get everything put away.
The night that I needed the Squirt to sleep through the night, he didn't. I was up with him twice the night before my classes on Thursday. He must has sensed my excitement.
E came home in a foul mood Friday. Male PMS I swear. He was grumpy and impatient and short with Dani. Which makes me feel that I need to compensate for him so I am extra sweet to her. I spent the weekend being a mediator between the two of them.
We spend Sat. shopping in P'Cola. Dani wanted a new Webkinz and I had a coupon for a bookstore that sold them. Only the one that she wanted had had the tag stolen off of it.
We bought ourselves a new computer chair because it was on sale for $50. Only on the way home I realized that our total was a little high.... the sale didn't go through at checkout so E had to go and reconcile the receipt the next day.
The kids got E a dartboard for Christmas. We have been trying to get a nice space of wall accessible in the garage to hang it up and we still haven't gotten to it.
My bio teacher (who is a 5 ft. Asian woman and speaks with a Jamacain accent) assigned 12 chapters to be read for our first section.
And as an honorable mention. Last night I was getting the Squirt's quilt ready to put him to bed. He still likes to swaddle so I was getting it and him into position (he was over my shoulder). I was seconds away from putting him down, then he burped.... sort of, and I heard him spit up a little.... only he didn't get his head away from my shoulder so he kind of breathed it back in through his nose and his mouth, and think that make him choke which made him throw up. He wretched 3 times and each time a substantial amount of milk came back up. I think he threw up everything he ate from the whole week. He was literally covered head to toe, it was up his nose, in his ears, on his head. Then there was me. It had pooled on the burp rag then ran down my back, he slammed into my head which put it in my hair, and when E grabbed him the pool ran down the front of my shirt, down my cleavage, and all over the floor. Of course I had given him a bath an hour earlier.

This week has to be better.

One Fun Hippie and an Old Crow

2009-01-08T09:42:00.002-06:00

Today is my first day back in class. My self prescribed maternity leave is over. I'm currently in between classes. I have a lot of time to kill so I'm at the library scouting websites to see if I can get any good deals on a Bio book. Hopefully I can find one and return the one I paid full price for before the return date.

My other class in Eng. Lit. My teacher is a hippie. I love her already.

I think I did great getting myself and the Squirt out the door this morning. I even donned a real bra instead of a nurser. I'm feeling like I belong in society and everything. The only things I forgot were my cell phone, and to put on a real pair of shoes. I'm wearing my fake Crocs. I meant to put on sneakers, but oh well. At least they aren't my slippers.

The old bird in the book store wasn't impressed with me I don't think. Nor I with her. She rang up my book, took my card, gave me my card and I started putting my things away and getting them ready to carry. While my receipt was printing she said, "Slow down, you're awfully brisk. I need to tell you that you have until the 15th to return your book and you must have your receipt." I guess I have to go as slow as the staff that works there to understand that I need my receipt to return my book. My speed in doing things is a curse of being a highly efficient person.

Criminy.

Again

2009-01-06T17:59:00.001-06:00

There has got to be a better way. Today I started my FOURTH blocked milk duct since December 23rd.

FOURTH!!!

I want to cut off my boobs.

4 Months

2009-01-02T21:09:00.006-06:00

The Squirt's fourth month was almost magical. He went from a mewling newborn to an excitable baby. He squirms and twitters with excitement when he sees a member of the family. He loves Dani and the feeling is mutual. She makes him dance by moving his arms and legs for him and he loves it. We've gotten full on laughs and, toward the end of the month, hyper squeals.
My waning breast milk supply made me curious to try a little bit of cereal before bedtime to make his belly fuller while sleeping. He can take it or leave it. Most of the time I leave it. He can eat it, but he doesn't get excited when he sees the spoon. Now show him a boob and he gets excited. He flails his arms and when I pick him up he turns his head into my breasts waiting for me to feed him.

He had his first visit with Santa. And there was no crying!! I don't even think that he realized that there was a strange man in a red suit holding him. Though I think we missed the traditional Christmas squawl by mere days. He has started to look weary when a non family member is holding him. It's almost as if he believes that if he avoids eye contact then that person doesn't exist and all is well.

Christas was good to him.... at least as good as it can be for a baby who is completely immobile and gets by on his good looks alone. Just toys for this little boy.

And because everyone needs a "Stupid Christmas Hat Picture" I donned reindeer antlers on him. He loved it. Everytime he moved a little bit the bells would jingle which caused him to move again.

He has grown 7 inches since birth making him a tall 26 inches. He hasn't gained any weight since turning 2 months old. Part of me is a little concerned, and part of me is fine with that. He gained a lot in his first 2 months and I think he plateaued. Also, I don't think he has been getting enough from me.

So we started the 5th month off by supplementing formula. I still feed him every other feeding. That is exactly the time frame that I did that with Dani so it doesn't come as a huge surprise. However this time it makes me sad and upset because now I know it is attributed to PCOS.

He isn't rolling over yet, tummy time is grounds for a huge tantrum, and laughing is on the top five list of favorite things to do. Naps are predictable after about an hour of awake time in the morning. He exhausts himself and must rest. Baths are a joy.... he splashes incessantly. And as for sleeping through the night, for the most part we are there. Sometimes he wakes up though and replugging the bink just will not do. And there is the occasional 3 am poopy diaper that can't wait til morning.

I got so lucky. He is so precious. E and I have a hard time remembering when he wasn't here with us. Yet he has only been here a short time. He has just fit in perfectly. I stare at him and wonder what he is going to be like when he is 1 or 2 or 3... then I stop myself and say, "Liv, he'll get there... don't forget what he is like now." So, I stop, and trace my fingers down the bridge of his nose, and brush away his non hair off of his forhead, kiss his cheeks and snuggle into his neck. And I vow to never forget what it feels like... because I will never be able to do it again.

Redux

2009-01-01T11:04:00.003-06:00

I guess it's that time of year to jump back on the fitness train.

Last night I drempt that I won the title of "Meatiest" in a beauty competition.

No Brainer

2008-12-23T07:18:00.002-06:00

I swear I have no brain. About halfway through the day yesterday I realized that the bodysuit that I had dressed the Squirt in in the morning had been backwards. I then decided that since it had already been half the day, we weren't going anywhere, and he wasn't complaining that I would leave it that way.

This year for Christmas dinner we are going Mexican. I've wanted to start a tradition in our house for a long time of having a different ethnically prepared dinner but never got around to it until last year. Don't get me wrong, I love a good turkey dinner, but not 2 of them so close together. Last year was the perfect time to start. H@ ll m@ rk started a new ornament series called Doors Around the World or something like that. Last year was Germany, so we had a German menu. This year is Mexico so we are having Mexican. It saves me a lot of trouble narrowing down the country myself. ****This all feels familiar being typed.... maybe I explained this last year?****

With my decreasing mental faculties, I am so glad that my brother is coming out to visit. He can help me cook. Today and tomorrow we have cookies to bake, a pork roast to cook, tamales and empanadas to fill, and guacamole to make. I still have to get a few things from the grocery store. I also have to finish cleaning the house.

Do any of you have special family traditions?

Exposed

2008-12-17T11:46:00.002-06:00

I just got home from picking up a few odds and ends from my grocery list.

I put those few things away on the shelf in my laundry room and walked into the kitchen.

Then I heard a horrendous crash.

My shelf fell off the wall. I currently have cereal, bottle pieces, popcorn kernels, soup cans, cartons of broth and stock and several other things sprawled across my laundry floor.

The crash woke the baby.

I went into my room to change my shirt because long sleeves were not cutting it and I need to turn on the A/C.

When I whipped off my shirt I discovered I have been running errands around town with my nursing bra unhooked.

It's not even noon.

How's your day going?

Lost and Found

2008-12-15T09:34:00.004-06:00

Just when I wonder if the internet hinders my relationships with people instead of helping them, I get a kick in the pants.

About 9 years ago, my very best friend, her then husband, and their 4, soon-to-be 5, children moved to Japan. We both promised to keep in tough with phone calls and emails. We even played a game online together that we spent several hours on. I was sure that with the ease of electronic communication we would never lose touch. Well, we did. Changing emails addresses, both of us moving, then her separation and divorce from her husband and we quickly lost touch. We only exchanged one phone call and email until 2004, I think. There has been nothing since.

At least once a month I would search for her on MySpace, but I had no idea if she had gotten remarried and changed her name. So, my searches were in vain.

Then last week, a great thing happened. She found me. I have been elated ever since. We quickly exchanged phone numbers and started catching up. We cried over each other's pictures and how much our children has grown. We talked about old friends and where we've been. We still have lots to talk about. Her life is different now but still wonderful.

I've missed her so much. It's perfect that she found me this time of year. We spent 3 or 4 Christmas' together and they have always been my most memorable.

The best thing about finding a soulmate is that when you lose touch and reconnect again, its as if no time has passed.

I'll Have Cheese with my Whine

2008-12-13T17:24:00.002-06:00

I'm having a kind of crappy day. Mainly because I just feel like it. I really look forward to the weekends because that is when E and I try to spend some time together.... remembering what the other looks like mostly. Well, he got nominated/volunteered to videotape a Christmas party on base for the kids of the squadron. It's for good cause.... most of the kids have at least one parent deployed and its nice for the families to get together. However, Dani had a Scouting commitment to go to the local art studio to Paint with Santa. They had already paid when E told me that he was going to the squadron thing so we couldn't cancel.

So, we've not been together for most of the day. Well, I take that back. We were together this morning, or at least he was here whilst on the phone trying to find a troop to go to GA to inspect a plane. A plane that isn't even from our base. And evidently, the 4 bases in between E's and the one in GA do not have any personnel/equipment to do the job. I find that hard to believe.

A prime example of your tax dollars at work.

Anon

2008-12-10T07:29:00.004-06:00

To what degree do you rely on blogging or other avenues, such as MySpace or Facebook, for communication with other people? How much do we rely on our computers for interaction? Are we losing some aspects of relationships by relying on the easy technical availability of email, personal websites, or online picture albums?

I know that I rely on them close to 100%. And sadly it is all one-way communication. Meaning it is me looking at other people's blogs or profile pages to see what is going on in their lives. Rarely do I ever participate in a discussion or even start one. But I am trying to get better.

I look at my MySpace friends and I can tell you what they are all up to. But I couldn't tell you when the last time I actually sent them a message or comment. I forget that just because I know that I am stopping by and checking things out doesn't mean that they do.

But I also like the anonymity. Sometimes I don't want people to know that I read their blogs. Sometimes I don't want to comment leaving a URL because I don't want them to know that I have a blog.

I joined Facebook about 2 weeks ago I think because Jeneflower passworded her site for hiatus purposes. She said that I could join Facebook and keep in touch that way. So I did. And the other day, my mom added me as friend. Now I don't even want to be on Facebook anymore. I like having a part of my life that she doesn't know about. I now feel that I have to censor myself. But how naive is that thinking when I am brazen enough to put my point of view out there for her to see? She could find this blog if she tried. I don't really cover my identity at all.

And I've said before, in a weird twisted way I almost want her to find me here so that she can see how I feel without it being turned on me. But I fear it at the same time. Because even though she aggravates me and frustrates me I don't want to hurt her feelings.

So how often do you interact with the bloggers and internet contacts that you follow? Or do you at all? Do you like being anonymous? Or are you extrovert and enjoy having several more ways to communicate with people?

Nipple Watch

2008-12-05T07:09:00.003-06:00

Well, I think I had a period the other day. That was easy.

That is right around the timeframe that they came back with Dani. Along with a decrease in my milk supply. So far that doesn't seem to be an issue but I'll have to keep aware of how much the Squirt eats. He still seems really happy after he is done eating. When I pump I get 6oz. and when he eats a bottle he takes about 5oz. sometimes 6oz.

This kid is a monster. 14 pounds!! I am not concerned at all that he isn't getting enough to eat. However, I have to accept the possibility that in the next month or so I will be completely dry.

Damn PCOS.

I think we are nearing the end of middle of the night feedings and on our way to sleeping through the night. I've been working this week on keeping him awake until 7 or 8 and giving him his last feeding at that time. He is in bed and crashed by 8:30 or 9. I've had to get up a couple of times but only to plug in the bink and wrap him up tight in his blanket. To keep him from fidgeting himself awake I pin his arms to his sides and do a half assed swaddle. It seems to help quite a bit. I try to wrap slightly over his chin to help keep the bink in but I don't always get it.

He loves baths. I gave him one last night and he kicked and splashed that water into next week. It took an hour for my shirt to dry. What? Change my shirt? Ha... I don't even have time to go pee.

Teeter

2008-12-03T19:52:00.002-06:00

Balance
Shifting
Out of control
Family
Demanding
No where to go
I'm tired
and sore
overwhelmed.
I'll give all that I have for them
But I'm afraid there will be nothing left
For Me.

30 Posts in 30 Days

2008-11-30T19:12:00.005-06:00

I did it. 30 posts in 30 days. That's is great sense of accomplishment considering how long it took me to make the first 30 posts to this blog. Wanna guess?

......................................................................................................

It took one year and one month, give or take a few days. I am a lazy slacker.

BUT I think I am in the habit of writing more. More things come to mind that I want to write about. Oddly enough it has become a sort of communication for me. It may not be much of a two sided conversation but I know that someone reads everyday.

My first NaBloPoMo is a success. And it has inspired me to post more. Maybe someday I'll post 2 or 3 times a day? But for now.... I think I'm going to take a couple of days off. My fingers are typed to the bloody nubs.

WOOT!!!!

Baby It's Cold Outside....

2008-11-29T13:13:00.002-06:00

Or not. Florida is the winner in meteorlogical trickery. In the past 2 weeks I cannot tell you how often I have switched my central unit from A/C to Heat. Somedays I've turned it off completely and just opened the windows. Now for the past 2 days it's been raining. The tree in my front yard, one of 2 in the neighborhood that actually sheds its leaves, is finally almost bare. Dani is begging for a fire in the fireplace but it is just not cold enough.

Last night we put up our Christmas tree and I had to turn the A/C on. December is only 2 days away! I'm a northern girl at heart. This tricky weather gets on my nerves. And it wreaks havoc on mine and Dani's sinuses. We also still have flowering plants outside which makes it worse. At least the rain will settle the pollen down.

Wow... NaBloPoMo has reduced me to blogging about the weather.

3 Months

2008-11-28T15:56:00.007-06:00

The Squirt’s third month of life was nothing extravagant. At least not for him. For me everyday was perfection. We started getting smiles this month and I even got my first giggle on the 26th. It happened while I was kissing him on his neck. That’s was Dani’s first tickle spot too.
He loves baths. He has discovered his feet and likes to kick them in the water. He seems mesmerized by them and I think that he has grasped that he is controlling the movements.

I seem to call this baby any other name except his given one. His nicknames so far are Mr. Peanut, Peanut Butter, Boo-Bear, Cutie Patootie, and Senior Poopypants.

I have always made Dani’s Halloween costume and I wanted to make the Squirt’s too. I thought that since I have been calling him Peanut since he was born that I would make him a peanut costume. I used an old brown towel, stitched it into the shape of a peanut leaving head, arms, and leg holes and slipped him into it. Meh… it was cute, but he looked more like Captain Caveman.

So, I decided that since I had an Undead Bunny, that I would even it out and have a live bunny. I bought him his first Halloween costume. I added a bow to distinguish that he was a boy. E took this picture of him this morning. I didn't get one of him Halloween night. I was so freaked out about Dani and my mom's dog that I didn't get to it.

He has gotten much more vocal and he has started squealing. Especially when Dani starts talking to him. He really loves her.

He’s not really sleeping better. He is much easier to read though. I’m getting better at noticing when he is getting tired or when he needs to burp. And we all look out when he needs to burp. It always seems to be accompanied by some sort of spittle in varying amounts. Poor Dani was trying to help wipe spit up off me the other day and she started gagging. I can’t blame her. There is a reason that I can’t help her when she is throwing up. Thankfully E has a stronger stomach than I and he can handle it.

The transition to his room is going well. He hasn’t slept through the night yet, but he is getting longer stretches. Which in theory I would be too, but that isn’t always the case.

We endeavored out to the beach last weekend to try to get a family Christmas photo, but it wasn't a good day. It was windy, and chilly. The Squirt had just woken up and was hungry so we weren't getting much cooperation out of him. This is one picture that I did like though. The water was gorgeous that day.

E is officially in uncharted territory in baby raising. He deployed for the first time when Dani was just over 12 weeks old. He missed the part of her babyhood when she became socially aware.

Now he gets to share in the smiles and giggles of the Squirt and it makes me very glad. I have always been sad that he missed that with Dani.

Ah, one more thing of note. He has started biting me. Biting hurts very much and he doesn’t even have teeth yet. I guess he gets bored on the boob and decides to exercise his jaws. I don’t know what to do except yelp.

He has a prominent dimple in his right cheek. Dani's is on her left. I don't know where my kids got dimples from. E nor I have them. Can you see the chunkitude that this baby is made of? He is huge. He weighed 12+ pounds at his 2 month appt. and I would guess that his is close to, if not, 14 by now.

So, month 3: smiling, laughing, biting, chunky, sleeping in his own room. I think that wraps up the major milestones this month.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T07:58:00.003-06:00

Well it's another day of cooking and baking for me. At least I don't have to make the turkey.

Our menu today is
Turkey
mashed potatoes
sweet potatoes
green bean casserole
corn
mushroom and walnut stuffing
fresh baked rolls

For dessert we have
Cherry-Apple pie
homemade cheesecake with an oreo crust and covered in a chocolate ganache
pumpkin pie
a fruit pizza for the kids

Oy, I'm glad a bought some new pants the other day. I'm going to need the room.

Here's to a Happy Thanksgiving to you all!! I'm so thankful for the internet!

NaBloPoMo Under the Wire

2008-11-26T21:49:00.003-06:00

I have been cooking and baking all day getting ready for tomorrow. We are spending our Thanksgiving with our dysfunctional neighbors. When my friend's husband came home from Iraq I jokingly told him that I needed him to make a turkey for me. He does a fantastic job. Well, she kind of assumed that I wanted to have dinner with them so that's what we are doing.

I know that she really appreciates it. She never had a real Thanksgiving dinner until we met. The first year that we lived here we had dinner together and she cried the first half hour of dinner because she felt so lucky to be with us.

Funny, because according to my Mother all of those turkey dinners that we had while growing up weren't Thanksgiving dinners... because we didn't celebrate Thanksgiving. We had a turkey dinner because turkeys were always on sale that time of year. She got really angry at me the one time I asked her about it.

Good times.

Hi-Ya!!

2008-11-25T15:49:00.003-06:00

Dani has never been aggressive in her extracurricular activities. It has been difficult for E and me to find something that she is really interested in. She has been in Girl Scouts for 3 years, and played soccer last fall. She is still in GS because it is a good time for her to be with her friends. Her troop is made up of the girls just in our neighborhood. Soccer did not peak her interest. Her favorite part was snacks at halftime and by the time the season was over it was difficult to get her motivated for practice.

About 6 weeks ago however we went to an Arts Festival on the beach and one of the demonstrations that we saw was from a local Martial Arts studio. Two boys who live in our neighborhood happened to be in the demo and Dani was so excited to see them.

They were jumping around, breaking boards, and fake sparring. They even had someone dressed in a dragon costume who happened to be handing out flyers for a free 2 week membership with uniform, and an invitation to attend a Board Breaking Extravganza.

We decided that we would go, see how Dani liked it, and see if she would try to break a board. When we got there she was very nervous and only wanted to watch. I asked her if her Dad went out with her if she would go and she said yes. But when the instructor said it was time to go onto the floor, she forgot about her Dad. She listened to the instructor, followed his directions and when it came time to break her board she looked at us, scrunched her eyes, and kicked. And she DID IT!!! Of course it was a thin piece of pine specifially for breaking but I swear it made her confidence grow by 100%. She looked at us, looked at the board, and yelled, "Mom, I am signing up!!"

So we did the 2 week membership and she liked it. And as much as we could have saved the money, I enrolled her in classes when the time came. She is really enjoying it and I am so glad to see her still excited about it. She has always been respectful but I like seeing how she remembers to be respectful more often. She is learning her routines and getting better with her balance. I think what I like the best is that noone else in her group of friends is doing it. This is her own thing. I like seeing her strike out in a different direction than her friends.

On Dec. 6, she will have earned her Yellow Belt. That's level 2. I'm really proud of her.

Showing my age

2008-11-24T10:03:00.002-06:00

Internet, today is my birthday.

32.

In my teens and twenties, I loved this day. I felt so grown up. Now, in my 30's, it doesn't hold the same joy for me.... I guess because I really am grown up. Last night we went to a little Chinese place for dinner. Afterward we wandered around a grocery store and E and Dani "snuck" a cake and some ice cream into the cart. E told me he would like to and I suggested telling Dani and making it a surprise. So, I played dumb the whole time. Dani was practically bursting with excitement the whole way home and she even suggested that I "fold a load of laundry or something as soon as we got home". The expression on Dani's face after I had folded that load of laundry and they had called me out of my room was priceless.

I would like to commemorate this day by listing things that show my age; bullet style.

I started clipping coupons. You can now hear me squealing down the grocery aisles at E saying, "Wait, I have a coupon for that!"
I misplaced our house phone last week and didn't find it for 6 days. 6 DAYS!!! It is now absolutely dead and will not recharge at all. Thankfully we have another handset.
I am wearing socks and Crocs.
I can remember my mother turning 32.
I can remember taping songs off the radio.
For that matter, I don't understand the music that kids are listening to nowadays.
I yell at everyone else's kids as much as I yell at my own.
I'm quite grumpy the majority of the time.
I'm starting to enjoy waking up at 6 am because it gives me a few more hours in the day to get things done. (Though I currently spend that few extra hours on the computer, but I'm getting stuff done on the computer.)
I drive the speed limit.
I don't like other drivers.
I started reading the Sunday paper and tsking at the headlines.
I regale Dani with tales of how little I had at her age and how she needs to be more grateful.
I seem to have lots of advice for other people.
I think 25 is young.
I don't answer my phone unless I know the person calling. And sometimes not even then.
I cried when Dani sang "Happy Birthday" to me.

What do you do that makes you feel older?

Sleeping [HA!] through the night

2008-11-23T08:28:00.003-06:00

Since we brought the Squirt home he has been sleeping in a cradle in our room. We currently have the pins out so that we can rock him when he is fidgety. He's very funny. He wiggles himself so that he is laying against one side of the cradle and that is how he sleeps. It may look alarming to someone walking into the room because it looks as if the cradle has been stopped in mid flip. But, that's just how he likes to sleep. I think it may simulate someone holding him and he likes to be constricted when he sleeps so I think mashing himself agaist the edge of the cradle accomplishes that for him.

The Squirt's 3 month birthday is coming up next week so we have decided that it is time for him to sleep in his own room. I think it will help him to learn to sleep through the night. It seems that's what worked for Dani. So last night, our little baby went to bed in his room. I put him in there at 6:45 and I think he fell asleep around 7:30. He just laid in there awake. No fussing or even cooing. Just chillin'.

I passed out before 10 in my bed. E was still up playing on the computer (which is better by the way. He did something to it when he got home and now it works great) and at 11:30 the baby started fussing so E gave him a bottle. The next thing I knew it was 1:30, too early for him to eat again, and I could hear him fussing and fidgeting on the monitor. I went in, gave him his bink then went to lay back down. And I didn't hear him again until 4:15. So, not bad for the first night.

However, I have effectively been awake since then. He has dozed a few times since then, not really wanted a full meal, or to go back to sleep until about 20 minutes ago. So, I've been back and forth across the house since then trying to feed, rebink, or rock. I finally gave up at 6:30 and just laid him on the floor to play. Which I guess is what he wanted because he cooed, squealed, ahhed, smiled, and kicked until he wore himself out.

Dani woke up at 5 [HUH!!!] and wanted to watch TV. Sorry sister, I'll let you snooze on the couch but we are not watching TV at 5 in the morning.

I think with a little schedule manipulation in the evenings I can have him sleeping through the night by the end of next week. I'll try anyway.

NaBloPoMo Obligation, and a Shout Out to my Blogging Friends

2008-11-22T07:51:00.002-06:00

Alright. 8 more posts of NaBloPoMo after this one and I am starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel. Since I started this blog... hold on, I'm going to check my archives..... *elevator muzacc*.... Wow... almost 4 years ago I have rarely ever posted more than twice a week. In fact, I don't think I even posted once a week. Now, for 22 days, I have posted every day.

It's fun... it's starting to become part of my routine. When I first started this blog, I don't really know what my intention was. I remember I had read an article in one of E's Discover magazines about someone who had started making a substantial income through blogging. Click revenues I think it was. I had never heard of a blog before, so I started skimming through Blogger, the service mentioned in the article.

I thought it was a really unique way to journal. It looked fun. We were in the middle of our nonadoption at that point and by browsing using the "Next Blog" button I found Soper who was in the middle of their adoption of Moonpie. It was wonderful to find someone that I could relate to. Through her blogroll I found a lot of infertility blogs of which I could also relate. Then through their blogrolls, I found all of you. I haven't been truly lonely since.

I could always get on the computer and find someone who was going through the same frustrations, or joys as me. We commiserated together. We built each other up. We supported each other through losses. And gains. We've cried together, and laughed. And we continue to do so.

I haven't met any of you. But I feel like I know you all very well. We've gone through some of the best and worst parts of our lives together. When I talk with my RL friends I talk about the rest of you all the time. I refer to you as 'my friends' though I don't really know if the term is valid since we only know each other through our words... not even through conversations in most cases. Just a few sporadic emails following up on comments.

I'm glad that I blog. I'm glad that you all blog. I'm also glad that a couple of my RL family members found me. Hi T! Hi Lynn! I look forward to the future and reading about your lives from here on out. I hope I always have something to write about.

These past few weeks I've been wondering if I want to continue to blog more regularly. I'm still thinking about it. It's therapudic in many ways. *MOM* It is a way that I can always look back and see what I was thinking and feeling at certain points in my life. Its fulfilling.

I just need topics to write about.

They say the hardest part is admitting it

2008-11-21T11:50:00.002-06:00

Well, I'm ready to admit it.

My son is growing. I put a pair of 3-6 month old jammies on him last night and they fit. In fact, he was able to even stretch out his legs. He looked very relaxed.

*sigh*

I thought it was about time to move up when he threw a tiny fit the other day and when extended his body fully, he popped open a snap on his jammies.

The Itch You Can't Scratch

2008-11-20T12:22:00.003-06:00

I'm still itching. That is 12 weeks since delivering the Squirt that I have been itching. It really looks like an allergic rash. But I have changed nothing in my habits regarding laundry or perfume, lotions, or new clothes. I put lotion on in the morning, spray with Benadryl, and use vaseline throughout the day. I am still itchy.

It's great for my sex life.

Meh.

Sandman on Strike

2008-11-19T06:58:00.003-06:00

The only thing consistent with the Squirt's sleep schedule is that he likes to go to bed for the night at 7pm. And I mean, 7pm else we are subject to "Ohmygawdits7pmwhyhaventyouputmetobedyet" crankytime. So, I do my best to have him in bed by 7. He used to sleep until 2:30 then again until 5:30 but lately has been waking up anywhere between 11 and midnight for another feeding which puts him waking up again around 4. I try to feed him at 6pm but he usually cannot make that far of a stretch from his 1-2pm feeding.

Yesterday afternoon he was uncharacteristically cranky and I wonder if it was the Spicy Chicken sandwich I had for lunch. I swear he spit up everything he had eaten for the last 4 days.
So by the time he went to sleep (late because of the crankitude), I have no idea how much food he had left in his belly.

Last night and the night before he woke up at 11:30pm, then again at 4. And stayed awake until after 5. Then I have to get up at 6 to help Dani get ready for school and walk her at least partway to the bus stop before my baby monitor loses signal.

So lately I've been getting by on less than 5 hours of sleep a night. And it wouldn't be all bad because I can lay down for a nap most days. Unless I have a day like yesterday and I have to be out all day. On the road with crazy drivers.

I could go back to bed now, except it is 7am and he last ate at 4, which should mean that he is getting hungry again. Then maybe I will go to sleep.

Maybe.

Blood Pressure... Again

2008-11-18T16:26:00.003-06:00

I saw my midwife today so that she could check my IUD strings to make sure they haven't migrated. They are fine, but still, my blood pressure is too high. I don't like making excuses, but they did take it the first time right after I had arrived at the hospital after driving for an hour and then another 10 minutes trying to find a parking spot. That's not to mention being forced to an almost complete stop on a 3 mile long bridge over the Pensacola Bay because there were very slow moving trucks ALL OF A SUDDEN!!! On a bridge, there is no where to go except up the tailpipe of the person in front of you. It was a little nerve wracking.

So the first BP was 140/92. They took it again right before I left and it was 132/82. Now I wonder if the constant headache that I had last Friday was not due to caffeine withdrawl, but actually an episode of high blood pressure. Maybe I have to start taking Zoloft again. I know it's not blood pressure medication, but maybe I am too stressed and don't realize it.

Do you think that your child taking a bad tumble can have that much of an effect on BP?

So what do my internet doctors think?

Computer Woes

2008-11-17T12:48:00.002-06:00

E and I have 2 computers. A laptop that I got in '04, and desktop that we got in '05. I haven't been using my laptop much lately because it is ungodly slow. It takes forever to boot up. We looked into upgrading it, but it was so touchy to new hardware that nothing we tried worked. So I have been using E's desktop. And that's been working. I just use it during the day and it is available for him to use at night for whatever he wants to use it for.

But when my mother came to visit, we had to share it with her also. And she doesn't have very good computer etiquette. Since her visit it has been acting very odd. The keyboard doesn't seem to register all of my keystrokes and it has been getting increasingly slower. This morning I went through the add/remove program wizard to see what old programs were in there and I deleted almost 1MB of things that she put on it while she was here.

Then I went online to check my email, then opened another window... and waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing happened. I couldn't even bring up the task manager. So, I had no choice but to restart the computer. And the same thing happened again. So, I had to get onto the laptop and email E and tell him I was afraid that his computer had died.

I haven't tried to run it since, but I am going to. If we have to wipe it, we need to try to get several things off first.

I don't think that we will have to replace the desktop, but we do want to replace the laptop. But, not necessarily with another laptop. So if you were going to get a new computer what would you want? What brand? Anyone use Vista and how do you like it?

Halloween Pic

2008-11-16T18:09:00.003-06:00

Not much to write today.. but I have to keep up with NaBloPoMo. Here is Dani's Halloween costume based on the story Bunnicula. The story about a bunny vampire.

Dumb Idea

2008-11-15T16:43:00.003-06:00

The next time I get the bright idea that we will all go grocery shopping together as a family, I hope I will remember today.

It did not go well. Sure, I got the stuff I needed. In between telling Dani to quit asking me for things and E huffing because the Squirt started fussing... again.

Exhausting.

Which is probably why when E and I got the groceries put away we both collasped into bed.

And babies don't know how to sleep in on the weekends. As much as I love 6am play time during the week when I have to be up; I don't love it so much on the weekends when it forces me to be awake when I want to sleep. But 6am grins and coos are priceless.

Relocated

2008-11-14T14:17:00.002-06:00

Dani's elbow that is. It went missing from its assigned joint yesterday afternoon after a daring jump off the slide. Not her idea by the way. It was one of those neighborhood kids that I love so much. Dani learned a valuable lesson last night about doing what the big kids do and telling them that all of their ideas aren't that great.

The staff tried to sedate her last night at the ER but she refused to go to sleep. So she was awake when the doc put her arm back in joint. It was so gross. They asked me to leave the room, but I was able to peek through the door's window.

There is nothing worse that walking out in your backyard, seeing your child laying on the ground after a fall, and not screaming. Your heart just sinks because you know it can't be good. I think I did OK with keeping my cool. Instead of screaming, "OH MY GOD HOLY HANNAH JESUS ON A CRACKER WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?!?!?!", I said, "Hmm... wow.... looks like you popped your arm out of joint. Let's go to the ER."

Today she is back to herself. I kept her home from school as a precaution but she is fine. A little sore and annoyed at her wrapped arm and sling. A bonus to the sling? She might quit sucking her thumb because it is too far away from her mouth.

Work

2008-11-13T12:28:00.003-06:00

I'm very lucky in that mine and E's lifestyle does not require me to work at this time. But we are far from well off. We live on one income and I try to stretch that income as far as I can. Once Dani started going to school, I couldn't justify staying home, so I started taking classes again.

This time, I knew what I wanted my degree in and it made a big difference in my motivation and success in school. I had a purpose other than just attaining a general degree. I haven't gone back to classes since the Squirt was born but I am looking forward to going back in January. I have a friend who has volunteered to watch him for the 2 days a week that I would be in class.

Currently, I am 5 classes from my AA in Accounting. It's so close that I can taste it. And when I get it, I want to start on my Bachelor's. E has 7 more years to retirement and he is also working on completing his Bach. before he retires. Before he retires, I NEED to be working because we cannot live on his retirement alone and we can't rely on him getting a teaching job immediately after retirement.

I mentioned to my mom that we were making plans for that time period and she told me that I should get my AA and then start doing people's taxes. I'd be really busy for a few months out of the year, but that would be best for me.

.....

.....

But I already have a plan. And that isn't it. But she wouldn't let me finish my thought to tell her my plan. So I just gave up.

As I write about this stuff I wonder why I even start conversations with her. But what am I supposed to do when she visits; just glower at her out of a corner?

Date

2008-11-12T12:23:00.002-06:00

While my mom was here, and I hate to admit it, E and I took the opportunity to go out on a date. I have no idea why, but I was comfortable leaving the kids here with her. I guess that's a mother/daughter thing that won't change. And there were no catastrophes, so all is well.

When E and I decided that we would go on a date together we decided to make it really nice. Like call ahead to the restaurant and make reservations and everything. Which we did for 6pm. Mom and SDad volunteered to run and pick up some fried chicken for their dinner and bring it back to the house. They left around 5pm. The chicken place is maybe a 10 minute drive. Yeah, they didn't get home until 6pm.

Because they went to the drugstore to buy me a backbrace and a pull behind grocery cart.

Birth Control

2008-11-11T15:51:00.006-06:00

In case anyone forgot. I have struggled with infertility induced by Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome for 12 years. For 12 years I mourned my inablitity to have children and sat on pins and needles the times that I did concieve. Dani's pregnancy was the easiest because I was so happy. The 2 losses were terrible, heartbreaking, and sickening to endure. Lana's adoption was equally painful for me. First by the fact that we lost her, and second from the lack of understanding from our friends and family. The best support I got from our loss was here, on this blog and your comments. The Squirt's pregnancy was also easy until the high blood pressure, diabetes, and early labor came about. However, it was difficult for my mind and heart because I was always afraid of something going wrong.

Before I got pregnant with the Squirt E and I decided that we weren't going to try anymore. We never considered the possibility of a natural conception either. So it didn't occur to us that we should need to entertain the idea of a birth control method. I had never conceieved naturally in my, to date, reproductive life so the entire subject seemed like a waste of time.

Fast forward to me actually getting pregnant and carrying the Squirt to viability and the subject came up between E and I. If it could "happen" once, then it might "happen" again. I honestly don't think I can do it again. Aside from the strain on my body there is a huge emotional strain for me. I am constantly worried about my baby dying. Also, the Squirt's delivery scared me. I went into labor 3 weeks early, my blood pressure would not go down, I hemorraged, and he couldn't breathe on his own. I am literally afraid of what will happen if I give birth to another child.

So, E and I decided that we would use a form of birth control. Neither one of us really wants to go the sterilzation route. I want something long term that I don't need to think about. The pill drives me insane. Condoms are a pain and mood killer for any spontaneity and the rhythm method? Please. I opted for the Mirena. I liked what I heard from other moms and I like how it could actually ease some of my PCOS symptoms.

When my mom asked when we were having another baby (yes, she really did, because I guess she forgot our conception struggles) I told her that I had had an IUD placed. She asked, "Do you know what they do?" I said yes and I understood where she was going. And IUD prevents the uterine lining from becoming thick and squishy enough to support the implantation of an embryo. And I had to remind her. That I had only ever concieved naturally once in 12 years. I really don't think that I need to be concerned with that happening.

So now my mom thinks I am killing my future children. The End

Religion

2008-11-10T06:02:00.003-06:00

E and I live a very devoted life to each other. We each have strong morals and we are teaching our children, and other children who play with our children, the right way to treat people and the things around you. When Dani asks theological questions we do our best to answer her and she has an amazing ability to reason out her own inquiries. We also read a lot on the subject. I have several versions of the Bible, including the Quilter's Bible heh, and a copy of the Koran. Let me just tell you; being raised as a JW really ruined me for any other faith. I don't hold to their teachings because they are too extreme for me, but I can't really find another faith that sits right with me.

My mom still practices the JW faith. And I leave it alone. I respect her decision. I don't send her holiday or birthday cards, I don't give gifts for those occassions.... I don't even bring the subjects up (My mom however refers to the Squirt as a Christmas miracle, and gives Dani holiday related presents). E and I do celebrate. I love to decorate for the season because I happen to have a creative nature. I love to make my own holiday cards and I love to hear people tell me how much they appreciate it. I love to show people how much they mean to me and a holiday is a good way for me to remember. Especially holidays like Father's Day, Mother's Day (for my friends), birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those holidays cement the celebration of the one thing in this life that is more important to me than any other. Family.

I celebrate my family. And that is why I celebrate holidays.

I usually have all of my books cloistered in my room. However, with the Squirt's arrival, we did some rearranging and the books ended up in the living room. My mom loves to read and was looking through and she saw all of the Bibles I own, and the other spiritually natured books that E and I enjoy reading. One morning while we were talking politics mom said to me, "The signs of Revelation are all around us. The Bible tells that the governments of the world will be destroyed. You and E are so clouded over by this stuff (fluffing her hands at our books) that you don't see that."

It's a big world out there. There are lots of interesting things and people and cultures and beliefs. I stopped looking for one for me to fit in. But that doesn't mean I'm not interested in learning about them. I think its fascinating to read other people's interpretation on things. That doesn't mean I'm going to go and join some cooky cult (which my mom thinks that any other religion besides JW's are..... ironic being that almost every Christian I've met says JW's are a cult). I guess that's what bothers me the most. There is an inability to accept.

Can we just live our lives the way that we want without everyone else telling us we are wrong?

Ghandi said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."

When I get attacked, then I feel the same way. I am a loving, and accepting person regardless of where you come from, or what you believe. If I don't like it, then I don't try to change who you are. If it is too caustic for me, I don't hang out with you often. If you can't accept me for what I believe and respect the path that has brought me here, then we just can't discuss the topic. Just don't attack me or make jokes about me.

This doesn't mean I don't believe in God. I do. I believe in Him in a very big way. I believe he is in everything that I do and who I am. And everyone else for that matter whether I agree with them or not. I also believe, contrary to Christian dogma, that I am in control of my feeling and decisions. And I am of God, so me being in control is also God in control.

And I have given myself a beautiful life.

Politics

2008-11-09T07:08:00.002-06:00

My mother doesn't vote. Any practicing J's Witness don't vote. They believe that by voting you are putting someone else in charge of your life instead of God. At least, that is the way I understand it... I could be wrong. They also don't say the Pledge because they believe that is a form of idolotry. Meaning worhiping the flag instead of God. However, she did have her opinions on the election and who should win and why and if a particular candidate did win, then he would be assassinated and another particular candidate has been tortured and my flip out during his presidency and go crazy.

Now, for 3 weeks before the election, I spent hours reading each candidate's website and what their proposals were on the issues. And I liked one more than the other and that is who I voted for. My mom however had listened to a lot of the propaganda that was flying around and was very concerned about what she had heard. So, I had to educate her on several issues.

Politics came up a few times during the visit mainly when SDad would joke that he voted for "a dead man walking" (meaning Obama). That made me sick. And he didn't anyway, he just thought it was funny. And I think that's what really bothered me about most of the election. The public, and journalists seemed to always bring race into the equation. And I kept thinking it didn't matter. He is a man. Running for President. And he has good ideas and actual plans. Can we just look at that?

I liked Stephen Colbert's obsersavtion best (loosely quoted), "America, for the first time in history, we have a..... Hawaiin president."

Aloha.

Bedtime

2008-11-08T07:30:00.003-06:00

We all know how vital it is to a child's day when they get enough sleep. Especially when you have to make sure that your child catches the bus in the morning and can get through their long school day without a meltdown. Coincidently, by 8pm, E and I are pretty wiped from the day. And we need some time that is kid-free. We use that time to clean up the kitchen, E gets a shower, and lately I've been having to do something with the Squirt as he is still a little squirmy at that time. That's why 8pm is bedtime in our house.

Thankfully, Dani has never been the meltdown type, but she does need her sleep. We follow a strict nighttime schedule for her. At 7pm, she gets her shower and starts getting ready for bed. By 8pm she is in bed and finishing a story or visiting with either E or me. She is almost always asleep by 8:15 and we wake her up shortly before 6am. She catches the bus at 6:40. This routine is essential in our house, but on the special occasion, like visitors or weekends, we can be a little flexible.

When my mom visits, Dani loves to snuggle with her before bed. I don't mind that so much as I mind that my mom tells me that Dani needs to have someone lay down with her to go to sleep. Which isn't true. Dani has been going to sleep on her own since she was 3 months old. Now, if she sat on the edge of the bed, or stroked her back, WITHOUT talking; I could deal with it. But my mom lays in bed with Dani and they talk and giggle. One time she didn't come out of Dani's room until 8:45. I had thought that whole time that my mom was outside talking on the phone so I didn't go in to check.

She always said that she didn't realize the time, or something similar. Then, the day that we changed our clocks back, she did it again. Only we hadn't changed the time on Dani's clock yet so when the clock said 8:45, it was actually 7:45. E and I thought this was odd that Dani's door was closed and the light was off. We knew that they were in there, but we also knew it was way early to go to bed. E went in, turned on the light, and started putting some clothes away. Mom said, "Don't you want her to go to sleep? It's 8:45." E said, "No, it's 7:45, we haven't fixed this clock yet." That tells me that my mom was fully aware of the time and was just scoring some extra time.

And I don't mind that.... I just wanted her to respect our routine. The next night, I had Dani get an early shower, and told her that she could have extra time to snuggle that way. We got lights out and mom evacuated out of the room by 8:15. I can deal with that. And by the time they left things had worked themselves out in that area.

Sisters

2008-11-07T07:25:00.003-06:00

Day 7 of NaBloPoMo. You all might get tired of me venting about my mom, but I really need to get it out else I fear I will explode. I also like getting the support in the comments. E supports me fully which helps a lot but I guess I need to know that I'm really not crazy and making myself see things about my mom that aren't really there. Of course E will agree with me, but it feels good to have you all justifying my feelings.

I'll only write a little bit about my sisters. Sister1 is still with the loser who said he was leaving her last year. Over the summer he was going to leave again and asked my mom to come up to PA to be with Sister1 when he left because he feared for her mental wellbeing.

Well Jackhole never left. Apparently he grew a spine and is staying out of obligation to the kids. Cause that always works out. Sister1 is confusing love with obsession. She practically stalks him and freaks out when she can't pinpoint exactly where he is. (Of course this is all related to me by mom so I don't know how much of this is actually true. I don't talk to Sister1). I don't blame her; in 14 years he has never proven to her that he can be trusted.

The reason I don't talk to her? Would you be able to talk to someone whose significant other molested your youngest sister and still stayed with the pervert and had 2 kids with him?

Sister2, according to my mom, is an alcoholic and needs 'parenting classes'. Because, you know, therapy solves everything. Mom ought to know, she's been in it for 10 years. Sister2 did leave her Jackhole and is now a single mom to her 2 girls ages 10 and 5 I think. Mom is still bailing her out finacially by paying her rent now and then, trash, and leaving her money. When she and SDad left from their last visit SDad asked mom, "Did you leave her any money?" "No" "Did you leave her a check?" "No" So, he dropped it. Later he found out that she left my sister a credit card. A lie of ommission, to her husband.

A husband who she says that she'd leave him if she could. But "there is no way that he could stay in the house without my income." (I guess she's staying out of pity?) Um.... Mom... you are on disability. You're income is squat. If you hadn't taken out mortgage after mortgage on your house, then he would have left your ass about 3 years ago.

Dad

2008-11-06T06:53:00.003-06:00

My Dad. He is a hard person to love. And talk to. And understand. Of course while growing up I thought he was mean and once I reached adolescence I even wished that my parents would get divorced. Well, they did. When I was 13. Not such a bad age for me. I got the benefit of being raised by both of my parents through my most formative years. I attribute that to the vast difference between my siblings and I.

We had a dairy farm until I was 8. Then my parents went bankrupt, lost the cows, and my dad got a job working in a fabrication shop 3 hours from home. He stayed up there all week, then came home on the weekends. That didn't last long, maybe a year. Then my parents switched roles. My mom started working, and my dad stayed home. This is when things started to go downhill.

My mom started working in insurance sales and her office was about 45 minute drive from home. She also went on client calls which kept her out late several nights. At least this is what she told us. That situation worked for a couple of years, then my mom wanted to move closer to her office. So we did. Within months, my parents were split up. My dad had a breakdown and was hospitalized.

That was a difficult time for me. Looking back on it now, I think a lot of it was my fault. My mom, in kind of a backward way, asked me for advice on what to do about my dad's overbearing protectiveness. The rebellious teenager (barely 13) in me told her to get a divorce. I wanted my dad to leave. So that is what she told him. About 7 years ago I was visiting him and he told me that the reason my mom told him to leave was because I wanted him to. Sure, the kid in me wanted it. But I really resent the fact that my mom used me as an excuse to get what she really wanted.

When they split up, my mom still worked very long nights leaving me in charge of my sisters and my brother ranging from kindergarten age to 5th grade. It was really hard. My brother, last time he visited, told me that all of the late nights that she 'worked' were really a cover for her meeting her lover. Her boss who was married and had several of his own children. T also told me that they had started their affair before we even moved. So, my mom telling my dad that I wanted him to leave.... was a cover up. She wasn't even adult enough to just tell him that she didn't want to be with him.

So that is the backstory. There is a lot more to tell, but I don't think you have all day to read it, and I can't put that much into it right now.

While my mom was here last week, Dani asked who all of her grandparents were. We've had this discussion with her several times as she has quite a few. E's mom is the only one who hasn't gotten remarried. So, I was telling her that my mom and dad used to be married, they had 4 kids, then decided not to be married anymore. End of story, right? No. My mother decides to add that she and my dad used to fight all the time, then they didn't love each other anymore, and that there was something wrong with my dad's head that makes him sick.

What am I supposed to say to that? I didn't say what I wanted to. I just said, "Mom, she talks to him on the phone." Meaning that if she talks to him, she might repeat some of that and really hurt my dad's feelings. She didn't even really acknowledge what I said.

It made me angry. And there were several other times over the week that she would tell stories (not when Dani was here) about my dad's mental state and how it affected her.

All the while, I'm thinking, "Well, I'd be pretty screwed up if my spouse was cheating on me too."

And he knew. He told me he knew. He was and is very hurt over it. Someday I would like to confront my mom about it. To tell her that she's not as slick as she thinks she is. To tell her that just because she has herself convinced that everything was someone else's fault doesn't make it true. To tell her that she made her decisions and she knew it was wrong and she needs to just admit it.

It's draining. I get drained just thinking about confronting her. Part of me wishes that she would even stumble across this blog.... just not while she is here. But I know that it would really hurt her feelings..... then I wonder why I care.

"SDad loves me... just in the wrong ways... like your dad."

Like her's was right.

2 Months

2008-11-05T06:47:00.003-06:00

I'll take a quick break from purging about my mom's visit to talk about the Squirt!! He turned 2 months old on the 26th. Here's my attempt at trying to remember what he did last month.
Bubbles. In the swing. Love it. He likes to sleep in the swing. He has about one nap in there a day. Usually when I really need a break, this is my guarantee. Though lately he has taken to just like sitting in it while swinging and just looking around. I don't mind that either because he is quiet. He's also been having a lot more stretches in the day where he is just awake.

Like this. This mat, however, is a vortex for spit up. I cannot tell you how many times I have washed it. It seems like as soon as I get it out of the dryer and lay him on it, he expells a huge puddle of milk. And I don't notice so he lays there in it. But, then I just move him to a different spot and we are good to go. In the past couple of weeks, he has really enjoyed laying under this thing. He's learned that he can kick his legs and make the toys move and I love watching him get excited.

I had to take this picture because I have one of Dani with the exact expression on her face. It is uncanny how much they look alike. This month he developed that true newborn cry. The one where you know that he needs something and you'd better deliver quickly. Sometimes, I don't right away because when I am holding him and he cries that way I can feel it in his chest. And I remember when he was born, he couldn't do that. He could barely catch a breath and his chest sunk in with every attempt. So, I like to feel and hear his cry. It cements for me that his is stronger, and determined.

He recognizes people, and shows it. He's started smiling and has gotten quite good at it, but I will share those pictures at 3 months. He loves to watch people move around whatever room he is in. I am so lucky to have another content baby. This month he also started soothing himself to sleep. For about a week, I enjoyed the routine that he would eat at around 6:30 then want to lay down at 7. And I mean WANT to lay down. He was inconsolable otherwise. He just wanted to be wrapped in a blanked and layed in the cradle. I was happy to oblige and he would sleep until his 2:30am feed. Sadly, it only lasted a week and went to complete unpredictability a few days later.

Soothing. He is trying to suck his thumb and, to his credit, has caught it several times. It is adorable and I would let him do it if I didn't have a 7 year old who still does. I think thumb sucking would be the only thing I would change with Dani. We have introduced the Squirt to a bink since the hospital and he takes it readily. Sometimes though, it just isn't nearby so he resorts to this. When I see that, I find the bink.

More smiling. This time at the ceiling fan. For about a week, that is all he smiled at. And cooed..... boy does that boy coo. It's heaven.

We celebrated his 2 month birthday by taking our first family photo. This is just one of the several that we took. E set up his tripod in the backyard and grabbed the handy camera remote and we just let the session take off. This was the only pose that I really wanted (I daydreamed about it in the hospital) and it came out so nice. These three people are my most favorite in the whole world.

Canis Major Pain in the Ass

2008-11-04T11:28:00.003-06:00

I was really hoping that my irritation by mom's last visit was due to hormones. Alas, it isn't so. She really does bug me that much. By day 3 I was done. I had a hard time the subsequent days keeping my temper. It came out in snarkiness to E and overbearing momness on Dani.

I'm going to attempt NaBloPoMo and it seems to me that if I cover one of the aforementioned topics a day, I should get through the next two weeks. So let's get the party started.

We'll start with the dogs. This time she brought 2. A pug and a 'new one' that they got. She is mostly poodle. The night that they got here I started sneezing and my nose ran like a leaky faucet. Now with an added sore throat. Evidently, I have some sort of allergy to the pug. And I mentioned this several times.

I asked that the dogs not get on the furniture. However, I only noticed this rule in effect when I was in the room. Mom and SDad were sleeping on our futon which is also our living room couch. Half the time that they were here, the dogs slept on the couch with them. They also let the dogs sleep on my favorite soft blanket.... on the floor.

The poodle licked clean a poopy diaper. And she took to shitting on my bedroom floor.

As a bonus: The dogs took to sleeping on Dani's bed.

For extra credit: My mom bred her other poodles together (at home) and are now expecting puppies in December. I asked when they were due and my mom got all excited because she thought I was interested. "No." I said, "Just curious. When Sasha is gone, we are not getting another dog for a very long time." So help me if she gets me a dog.

Her dogs started bullying my dog. My dog is 12 years old and doesn't deserve to have little runts bullying her around.

And I shouldn't have to yell at her dogs for barking at me in my own house. I can't stand barking.

The dogs prowl around under the table whenever we eat because mom habitually feeds them scraps. We don't allow Dani to feed Sasha people food, AT ALL, so enforcing this rule with her was difficult.

Since the poodle was a new addition to their collection, she needed a trim. Guess where my mom decided to give her a haircut..... on my living floor on my clean, newly vacuumed carpet.

When we took Dani trick or treating, she ran back into the house and came back out with the pug. She asked my mom and she let Dani take the dog. The dog pulled her into the street and through people's yards for 2 blocks before E took the leash. Dani of course loved it and squealed with glee.

I think that's about it. I feel the need to disinfect my house now. Excuse me.

Brainstorm

2008-11-03T19:23:00.002-06:00

Got to jot down a few thoughts about what to write about when my mother leaves. They head out tomorrow.

-dogs
-dad
-sisters
-bedtime
-politics
-religion
-birth control

Edited to add:
-shopping
-date
-work
-education

Gah

2008-11-02T20:14:00.002-06:00

This morning my mom actually said, "You know, I look around at all of my family and my brothers and sister and I realize that I am the only normal one."

Then I left the room.

Muddling

2008-11-01T08:26:00.004-05:00

Our visit is going OK. As OK as it can with a woman that I have so many unresolved issues with. I'm trying to just get through the next few days without harping on the little things that are bothering me. Like one of the dogs they brought is wreaking havoc on my sinuses. My mom has effectively ruined the routine we had with the Squirt because she insists on holding him and taking a nap with him rendering him unable to fall asleep on his own when it is bedtime. She gave her other dog a haircut on my carpet. We no longer have the spare bedroom as a spare bedroom, so my living has been turned into their 'suite'. Their dogs bark at every noise that resembles a door knock or door opening.

And I'm exhausted which means that my temper is short. E is exhausted as well. He has been taking a night class twice a week and the work is very involved. Which means when he is home, he's not really available to help me.

I'm going to keep on keepin' on though. Dani loves my mother and step dad and I can't deny her that relationship.

Surprise!!!

2008-10-28T13:14:00.002-05:00

Got a call from E a little while ago. My cell was dead (left in the van overnight) and my mom has been trying to call since yesterday (I never have gotten around to giving them our land line number). They are on their way now. They will be here in about 6 hours. Nothing like a little warning, no?

Well, they want to see their new grandson. This I know. And StepDad loves spending Halloween with Dani. My kid is so creative. She is a Bunny Vampire this year. Her inspiration is the book Bunnicula. Cute story, check it out.

No idea how long they are staying. Not too mention that our old guest room is now the baby's room. He doesn't use it yet though, but we also don't have a bed in there. So, I guess they will be camping on the futon in the living room.

Now I have to figure out if I have enough food for the next few days.

Oops

2008-10-20T09:07:00.004-05:00

What do you do when your friend, a straunch Republican (drunk), asks how you are voting on an amendment in your state and you give him the answer (thereby unvieling that you are a Democrat or human.....). And 'lo, it disgrees with his position which opens up a loooong political discussion which leads to everyone feeling very uncomforatable. Maybe I should have said, "I don't know yet." I walked away from the conversation a little uncomfortable, but grateful that I had heard his opinions on things and his reasoning. It made me want to research some topics that he brought up. However, he didn't even look at us the next day.

Throw in military service and dedication and it got bad very quickly.

**Edited to add** Not so insinuate that Repulican's aren't human, rather to say that I am Democrat and human. It is hard to validate my position to someone whose core beliefs are different and it feels as if their opinions of me do not view me on their level. Like I am inferior. Is that more clear? I dunno.

Body Language

2008-10-15T21:17:00.004-05:00

I'm watching the last debate and looking at the split screen of McCain and Obama. My attention keeps getting drawn to McCain because I can't figure out if he is trying to look into the camera and smile at the American public or if he finds everything that Obama says laughable.

Anyone else?

McCain also just corrected Obama using the term 'charter' instead of 'voucher' regarding schools and I kind of want to remind that Palin is 'very sensitive' to Down's Syndrome.... not Autism. But we're not hashing words, right?

Darkness

2008-10-09T17:43:00.002-05:00

They say it gets darker before it gets light.

I dunno. It seems to me that light seems very far away at 2:30 am and you are getting sprayed by baby poop... oh and at 6 am getting sprayed again... only with pee added in.

Of course this doesn't help either.

I don't even know what to say.

Tightwad

2008-10-07T08:07:00.003-05:00

I found a good slideshow yesterday listing Kiplinger.com's Fabulous Freebies for 2008. Good stuff from free movies online, a food diary, college savings, even learning a new language. See it here.

It isn't easy being a Democratic military family. It is even more difficult being a Democratic military family while living in a very Republican military neighborhood. There is a stereotype that if you are military then you are Rep. But there is a growing underground of military Dems. We are few, but we are out there.

I don't proclaim to be a raging Democrat, and I would probably have a hard time defending my position to a knowledgeable Rep. about why I feel the way I do. But on a few of the key issues I have my opinion and they seem to identify more with the Democratic point of view. I am very ProChoice, ProGay, ProPeace, ProAlternativeEnergy, and ProEducation. If we need to raise our taxes for a few years to get our economy back on track, then do it. If we need to raise our taxes so that people can go to the doctor to maintain their health, then do it. If we need to raise taxes to guarantee that our children get a good education, then do it. Need to pay our teachers what they are worth? Tax me. What am I going to do with my excess money anyway? As long as my bills are paid, mortgage is up to date and there is food on my table; I can get by for a few years paying extra taxes. Well, I would if I were working. But E feels the same way about the money.

The Rep. position on the war seems to say that we need to be in 'those countries' to insure our safety. Well, you know what? I don't feel very safe knowing that my husband could come home anyday from work and have to leave that night and be gone for an unknown time. Or get a phone call saying he won't be home at all. It doesn't make me feel safe that he will be in a place that he could be seriously injured or lose his life.

I have a friend whose husband has to go up to a medical board and defend his right to receive full medical benefits after separation or to remain enlisted. For years, he has sacrificed his health and time with his family, deploying for months at a time in high stress areas causing him to develop a sleep disorder, depression, and a hernia. Now the military medical field is telling him that he isn't fit to deploy because of these problems that our military caused. They want to discharge him with only 10% of his pay and medical benefits only for him, not his wife and their 3 children. Not too mention if can't work how his family is going to survive on only his wife's income. They have a mortgage too. It just makes me ill.

I also get very annoyed when my friends who know that I am Dem. constantly forward emails smearing my candidate of choice. "He's murder, baby killer, terrorist, embezzler, yada, yada, yada". I get sick of it. And I feel it is disrespectful to me. Like I am gullible enough to make my decision based on what filters through the gutters of the internet. I find it offensive and she always says "I'm not trying to ruffle anyone's feathers, just want to get the word out". Well, this chick is ruffled, and I'm about to fly off the handle.

VP Debate

2008-10-04T11:09:00.004-05:00

I watched the VP debates and I wanted to write about it before I forgot my favorite parts.... but that didn't happen. Between not sleeping, nursing, and oh, not sleeping my brain is functioning at about 25%. I should leave all of my typos as proof, but my OCD nature prohibits that.

I liked that we got to see the smart assertive side of Palin. I didn't like that she intentionally didn't answer questions posed to her. I almost felt as if she had researched the topics that she wanted to talk about as opposed to what the issues posed to her were. And she disguised it by "talking directly to the American people". Also, and this has nothing to do with the debate, but why does her husband never hold the baby? That bothers me.

I also very much liked Biden and his ability to correct Palin on her statements regarding voting records. I am not going to take the time to research who voted what when, so I am relying on what I heard and can make my decisions with what they said.

So, I was glad to see that Palin didn't come across as a ninny. I was almost starting to feel bad for her. Also glad to see that Biden knows his stuff.

Offside, the Obama campaign called me last night and was looking for volunteers for things going on in my area. They wanted me to be and "Obama Girl". And I would have if it weren't for that pesky not being able to sleep thing. Oh, and having a 5 1/2 week old baby. Did I mention I'm not sleeping?

1 Month

2008-09-26T06:57:00.004-05:00

Today the Squirt is one month old. I don't anticipate doing a monthly post like Dooce, but I do want to write as much as I can before fatigue erases these wonderful memories from what is left of my squishy brain.

Though he doesn't actually smile, he does turn up the corners of his mouth while sleeping and I like to imagine that it is because my Mama Juice has made him deliriously happy. That or pooping feels just that good.

He likes to sleep on his side and will actually squirm until he gets it just right. He has been doing that for about a week now and it is wonderful to peek into the cradle and see his little hand pressed up against his little cheek and see his little lips pursed in a dream-filled kiss.

He likes being outside and thankfully our days have cooled down to the 80's. This makes it very easy for me to stay outside. Except for the damnable love bugs, it's heaven on Earth.

He has found his thumb on random occasions though I am doing my best to provide a pacifier when I can. Dani is 7 and still sucks her thumb, at times, which was cute when she was 3 months old but quickly lost its charm after she turned 1.

He is on a fairly predictable 3 hour feeding schedule. Of course, he's starting to make a liar out of me and stretching closer to 4 hours. In the last week he has been enjoying a couple of spurts of ‘awake time’ during the day. I laid him on his bedroom floor yesterday and he was quite content to look out his window and gurgle. He only complained after he spit up and it had gotten cold making it uncomfortable to lie in.

His cord stump fell off at about 2 1/2 weeks at which time I joyfully plunged him into the baby tub for a bath. He seems to like baths and quiets down after submerging in the water. Or maybe its just easier to relax once you have sprayed pee all over the house from your bedroom to the kitchen sink.... hmmm... *Note to self- Next time I am stressed I will have to pee all over the house and see if that works.* During yesterday's bath he was actually kicking the water and splashing. When he lays on the floor to play he has started to turn around. To date, he has turned 90 degrees. Yesterday he even knocked over a toy that I had placed juuuuust out of his reach. He fills out newborn clothes quite nicely now. He went to the doc. on Monday for his second Hep. B shot and was weighed at just over 9 pounds and he has grown an inch, though I suspect it may be more than an inch because the nurse didn't hold the tape at exactly the top of his head.

Dani = Enamored. She absolutely loves this baby. She kisses him then tells him those are his Big Sister Kisses. She loves to hold him, tickle him, and she still loves it when he sucks her fingers.
Breastfeeding is going well sore nipples be damned. I'll do it as long as I can but I don't know what to expect once my body regulates back to its PCOS status. He only feeds for about 10 minutes on each side, which it twice what Dani ate. I could only get her to eat one side.

As for me. I feel fantastic. So good in fact that it is actually hard for me to remember what feeling pregnant was like. I didn't tear, therefore had no stitches. Other than feeling like I had gotten hit by a truck the day after delivery I have enjoyed a fast recovery. It actually took longer for the epidural to wear off completely than it took for me get over the muscle fatigue. I guess getting out of bed every few hours to feed in the hospital's nursery helped with that. Since I’ve been home, I have been doing laundry, cleaning the house, started my outdoor decorating for fall, and I even got to mow my lawn. I missed doing that. Weird, I know.

Sex. Can't/didn’t wait 6 weeks. I read that as long as your incision/stitches have healed and you are structurally sound then you can proceed. I spent my whole pregnancy not enjoying it, and now it's like a breath of fresh air. Besides, for me, I feel very empowered. My body has accomplished something wonderful. And I feel like a true woman.

E went back to work this week. I love that he took 4 weeks off. I don’t like that we didn’t get all of that time together, but we did have a nice time. He continued to get Dani off to school every morning while I tried to regain some sleep.

Currently, I lose about an hour when the Squirt wakes up. He wakes up between 11pm and 1am, then again between 3am and 4am. Making my morning start between 6am and 7am. E is still here when it is time to wake Dani up so he gets her most of the way ready for school, then I just have to be up to make sure she gets out the door in time. This morning after the Squirt’s 4:30 am feeding, I just put him back to sleep in his stroller which allowed me to walk her up to the bus stop instead standing at the end of the driveway. This is her 3rd year walking up there yet she is ‘afraid’ to go by herself. It’s very aggravating.

Also this morning, since I was still taking care of the Squirt at 5:00; I decided not to go back to sleep. What was the point if I had to get up at 6? So, once E got out of bed, I made my coffee, gathered the laundry and started a load. I wash the Squirt’s first since I try to do all of his separately. There is always a lot because of the diapers. We are using the Bumgenius brand and I am quite happy with them. They fit just as snug as disposables, we have suffered no blowouts (KNOCK ON WOOD RIGHT NOW), and he seems to still be very comfortable in them even when they are soaked and soiled. The inside material is just very absorbent and it wicks away wetness very well.

So, have I forgotten anything? I think that covers it.

From Chewbacca to Yoda

2008-09-24T12:33:00.004-05:00

Anyone remember this picture of my dog? This was taken in November after I had brushed her out. Last week we took her to get groomed and they kind of talked me into 'The Shave'.

I had no idea how big her ears were.

OPK

2008-09-22T16:50:00.002-05:00

........Other People's Kids that is.

I love that we live in a neighborhood with lots of kids. And I love that many of them are Dani's age. I also love that there is almost always someone for her to play with.

What I don't love is kids fighting at my house.

Or going into my garage and playing with whatever they get their hands on.... like my expensive stamping/scrapbooking supplies.

Or finding several pieces of ABC gum spit into my grass while I am mowing because they are too lazy to find a trash can.

I also don't like walking outside and seeing several children on the trampoline spitting out popsicle pieces and smearing them on the trampoline 'because it makes it slippery'.

Also, since we are within walking distance of everyone's house, I don't like random children coming in and asking me for food. Go to your own damn house if you are hungry. Ditto if you want something to drink besides water.

And don't leave my cups outside.

And don't play with my stacked up firewood.

Or my yard decorations.

While we are at it, when we say, "Just play in the front yard and ride your bikes and scotters", don't keep asking us to play in the backyard. We don't have the time to sit and watch you to make sure you aren't killing each other.

Here is my mantra that I am trying to teach these kids, "Just because you can; doesn't mean you should."

I also am a little miffed at a couple of our friends, meaning the parents of these kids. Hello.... we have a 4 week old baby in the house. My husband is going back to work next week and I need to get this house back in order with his help... without the responsibility of making sure your kids aren't tearing stuff up right after I get it organized or cleaned. Oh, and since we are functioning on broken sleep.... try to not let your kids come to our house in the morning before we are even showered or dressed. Can you wait, or teach your kids to wait that until they see our front door open or Dani playing outside, just assume that we are not ready for company. 'Cuz I'm pretty tired of explaining that to them.

Thanks.

Puppp, not Puppy

2008-09-10T11:19:00.002-05:00

Itchy. Itchy! ITCHY!!!

I've been going crazy for the last week while my stretch marks heal. This morning I Googled 'Postpartum itching' and found references for PUPPP.

"Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy (PUPPP), also known as polymorphic eruption of pregnancy, is the most common rash in pregnant women. It normally occurs in first pregnancies during the third trimester with an average onset of 35 weeks. Thankfully, PUPPP does not usually affect subsequent pregnancies. "

And also,

"The cause of PUPPP is unknown. It is not associated with preeclampsia, autoimmune disorders, hormonal abnormalities, or fetal abnormalities. Some investigators suggest that the rapid abdominal wall distension damages connective tissue and causes an inflammatory response. One study has shown that male fetal DNA can be found in skin biopsies of the rash. Since 70% of women with PUPPP give birth to boys, a new hypothesis is that male fetal DNA acts as a skin irritant. "

So that explains alot. Also, from what I read, its almost over. I'm going a little slightly insane from it.

Here are some of the things I have tried to help. Scratching- it only results in welts and scratches. Cocoa butter- it only makes me smell like chocolate. Bag balm- it makes me very greasy and alleviates the discomfort for a little while. Hemmoriod cream- gives me relief for most of the day. I've been putting it on in the morning after my shower and again before I got to bed.

Ironic and funny in a way... I didn't have hemmoroids while I was pregnant, but I'm using the cream anyway. As a sidenote; I had the stuff in the house because I had heard that it helps to heal stretch marks because it shrinks inflamed skin tissue. Right now I don't care about the stretch marks. As long as I quit itching, I will be happy.

www.weather.gah/gustav

2008-09-08T23:24:00.001-05:00

You may or may not have heard of a little storm called Gustav. Well, for about 4 days, it was all we heard about. We were in the original projected path of the storm. Thankfully, it continued to meander on westerly path. I felt badly for the people in Mississippi and Louisiana, but I was also feeling very selfish about the well-being of my family. The Squirt and I were fine and in about the safest place there was, but if an evacuation notice were issued, E is mandated to go.
So, he had to make plans and submit his evacuation location to base. I did not like the idea that we would be separated by several interstate hours because of a storm. However, we were lucky. In fact, it seems that the whole Gulf Coast was lucky because Gustav downgraded from a Cat. 4 to a 3 before it made landfall. We had some rain and tornado activity the morning of and day after the storm, but as far as I have heard, nothing catastrophic happened in our area. It also appears that the evacuations of Mississippi and Louisiana helped tremendously and I am so glad that the people who live there heeded the warnings and took the city’s plans and recommendations seriously. It also appears that although that area is still recovering from Katrina’s hit 3 years ago, it didn’t sustain as much damage as anticipated by Gustav. Most of the damage seems to be water related as opposed to death, destruction, and greed.

Now all eyes are on Hannah, Ike, and Josephine. However, it appears that those three storms may continue on a course along the East Coast as opposed to bulldozing through Florida and coming up through the Gulf.

Only 3 more months left of hurricane season ‘08. *Sigh*

Siblings

2008-09-07T23:21:00.002-05:00

Dani met the Squirt on Friday, the 29th. E brought her after school that afternoon. I was in the nursery feeding the baby when they got to my room, so they came down the hallway to find me. We wanted Dani to see him as soon as she could but we also didn’t want her to be upset by his appearance so we waited until he was out from under the hood. I heard them come in but my back was towards them and I heard E telling her she had to wash her hands before coming all the way into the nursery. The very first thing I heard her say was, “Dad, I’m going to meet my brother. I’m so nervous my legs are shaking.”

They came around the corner and she saw us. I don’t know who she was more happy to see; me or the Squirt. She kissed me, stroked his head. Kissed him, she smiled; she was concerned about all of the wires and leads. It wasn’t because she was scared but because she didn’t want him to be in pain. And he wasn’t so she was reassured. She loved him instantly like I knew she would. But she has also said over the last few days that she doesn’t think that she is ready to be a big sister. I love it. She wants to be the best that she can for him.

Since that Friday, she has been to see him twice more. When she came on the 3rd (the first time that had seen him since rooming with me), he was sleeping in the bassinet and the first thing she did was run to him. She wished for a stool so that she could see him better. There happened to be one in the room for nursing moms to rest their feet on so I let her use it. I sat on my bed and watched her unwrap every single blanket off him as if she was unwrapping an anticipated Christmas present so that she could see his little body. He was wearing clothes for the first time and she thought he was so cute. She thinks everything about him is cute. His ears, nose, the way he sucks on her finger, his hair, toes, feet, and his winkie.

After they got home that night, they called before Dani went to bed. She was squealing into the phone and I could barely understand what she was saying. I heard the words toothbrush, tooth, and blood. Through deductive reasoning, I figured out that she had lost a wiggly tooth. Evidently, it was so wiggly that it came out while she was brushing her teeth.

And I missed it.

Taking Baby Breaths

2008-09-06T23:15:00.002-05:00

On room air. 4 1/2 days old.

August 27- September 3

Around 1 pm that afternoon (on the 26th) one of the nurses brought me in a breast pump and suggested that I start pumping, even though my milk hadn’t come in, to stimulate my breasts so that when I could feed him, there would be something there. I did so religiously for every 2 hours for 15 minutes on each side.

My Gawd it worked. I have had no trouble with supply. In fact, I sent E home the other day with a gallon of frozen breast milk that I had pumped. I only pump when I am engorged to alleviate the pain and after I had nursed. So, I pumped for 2 ½ days while the Squirt got a steady diet of dextrose. At that point, he came out from under the oxygen hood and was able to maintain his oxygen supply with a nasal tube. We were then able to hold him and I was allowed to feed him although it wasn’t easy with all of the wires. For the next 3 days the staff tried several times a day to wean him gradually off the oxygen. The doctor who took over his case decided to have the Squirt on a 10-day cycle of antibiotics. This meant that he would be almost 2 weeks old before we could bring him home.

This threw a monkey wrench into our plans. We had only planned on being in the hospital for a couple of days. Once we realized it would be several days, we had to make the tough decision the E would go home to help Dani stay on her routine and to not take advantage of our neighbors’ hospitality. I was not even discharged yet because of my BP. I was officially discharged on Sunday but granted boarder status so that I could maintain my room and be available to feed the baby. Remember, it is almost and hours drive between my house and the hospital. My going home would be practically pointless as I was feeding the baby every 3 hours.

Finally, on Sunday the 31st, he was weaned to an open crib-- meaning out from under the warmer, and off the nasal tube. He under observation for 24 hours at which point if he did well, he would be allowed to room with me. He did well. Monday afternoon I got the cutest roommate on the whole Labor and Delivery floor.

He wakes me up every 3 hours with a whimpering cry and a smelly diaper. He poops and pees in my bed. He chomps on my tender nipples. He squeaks and squeals. He makes silly little smiles in his sleep. He cuddles on my chest and I hold him until my arms ache.

I love him.

I Had A Baby

2008-09-05T23:03:00.004-05:00

Shortly after birth. All kinds of cone-headed.

About 1 hour old. I don't know how I did it, but my barrette stayed in my hair the entire time.

These next several posts will detail, to the best of my recollection, of the past 10 days. All will be explained. But thank goodness we are ALL finally home. Healthy, happy, tired, but together. Pictures will be coming soon. I just wanted to start getting these posts up.

25 August- 37weeks and 3 days

I had had consistent contractions since the false labor episode Friday night. Monday morning they were a little stronger, though not quite on a schedule. They were consistently between 3 and 6 minutes apart. I had a Dr. appt. at 9am. When the doc checked me, I had dilated to 3cm. Although I didn’t seem to be in active labor, my blood pressure was consistently high. I had my BP taken 4 times in the OB Clinic. The doc set me up for an earlier NST/AFI ASAP (I had one scheduled for 1pm that day) so I went upstairs. The NST/AFI came back looking fine. The Squirt didn’t appear to be in any distress, however my BP was still reading high. By this time, it was about 12 pm. I was starting to get hungry because I hadn’t eaten since breakfast at 7:30. One of the Corpsmen on duty brought me some graham crackers, peanut butter, and juice. I asked if I could go downstairs and get something to eat real fast from the Subway, but the doctor didn’t want me wandering around with my blood pressure.

The doc on duty up here decided to admit me for an initial 24-hour observation.
So, the Corpsman ordered me a tray from the galley. However, by the next time (sometime before 3pm) I was checked, I had dilated to 4cm. This threw me into the “In Labor” category and I was denied food until after delivery. My status went from a 24-hour admin. to ‘having a baby tonight’, so I called E for about the 6th time that day and said today was the day. They started an IV and decided to see how far I would progress on my own for the next 2 hours. It wasn’t much. In fact, there wasn’t any progression at all. And of course with my BP, I wasn’t allowed to walk around to help things along. I think E had gotten there by this time and they started running Pitocin.

The contractions started coming more frequently and were getting stronger, so I thought things were going well. I think it was about 4 hours later when they checked me again and I was up to 6 cm. Not as far as I would have liked and they had been upping the Pit. drip frequently. I think by that time I was maxed out on the dosage and I had to concentrate on my breathing when the contractions came on. When the Pit. started we had decided to see how things went with that and if things didn’t progress then we would break water. If I wanted an epidural, they would administer that first then break water. Considering they did the opposite when Dani was born, I thought that was brilliant. I knew that the breaking of the water would intensify the contractions 100%. I think it was around 9 pm when the epidural was given. Within 30 minutes, the doc. broke my water.

I stayed awake for a couple more hours then started drifting in and out until 1am. My left leg at this point was completely dead. I remember how odd it was that I could touch my leg through the sheet and feel a leg there, but I couldn’t feel my own touch. It was as if someone else’s leg was in bed with me. When I woke up at 1 am, the contractions were quite strong. Even the epidural, which had evidently settled on the left side of my body, seemed to barely take the edge off. I was breathing heavily through the contractions now and within 30 minutes or so, my breathing started coming out in moans. I was trying to not scream because it wasn’t that bad, but I couldn’t quite keep quiet. E was sleeping at that point and I woke him up with my breathing. He watched me, helplessly, for a while as things started feeling stronger and he kept asking me if I felt like I needed to push. Which I really didn’t. He couldn’t stand watching me in that pain, so he went to get a nurse. She came in with the doctor and I think it was about 2:10 am at that time. She checked me and I was finally fully dilated. That is when an OB team really kicks into gear. Within minutes, the bottom of the bed was dropped off, stirrups up, legs grabbed and I was pushing. I remember getting through the first contraction having pushed 3 times and thinking, “God, I hope I don’t have to push for hours because I won’t be able to do it.” I kept hearing everyone saying how good of a job I was but I was thinking that they say that to everyone. I pushed another few times through the 2nd contraction. They encouraged me some more. I pushed another few times through the 3rd contraction. E started getting really excited. I think someone said something about seeing a head. I pushed a few more times through the 4th contraction and within an instant, at 2:25, my son was born. 7 pounds, 5.6 ounces. 19 inches long.

My son, who for the past several months had been tenderizing my ribs and stretching my uterus, was here. He was surprisingly quiet, just letting the doctors and nurses clean him off and start observing him. They didn’t offer to let me hold him right away which concerned me. I could hear his breathing and it sounded irregular and struggling. Someone reminded E to take pictures, so he left my bedside and took a few pics of the Squirt, then came back to me. After about an hour, they let us hold him. I tried to get him to latch but he didn’t seem to be able to get the pattern of suck and breathe. The nurses took him back to see if they could stimulate him a little bit.
While they were doing that, E and I fell asleep. I didn’t want to, but fatigue and hunger (at some point I was given some juice and some more crackers) took over my body. The nurses woke us up around 5:30 and said that they didn’t like the way he was breathing so they were taking him to the nursery to give him some oxygen. That was the last time he was in open air for 5 ½ days.

False

2008-08-23T09:31:00.002-05:00

Labor that is. We thought last night was the night. I'd been having consistent contractions since 4pm, they were increasing in duration and intensity. So I walked for a little while to keep them coming. When we got to the hosp. the Squirt's heartrate was in a dangerous range of 180-200. I was dehydrated. As soon as the 3rd IV stick worked and I got fluids, his heartrate went down to a comfortable range in the 150's.

The Dr. on call said bedrest means bedrest. And I need to be drinking all day. Which Iusually do, but the nurse suggested an increase of about 60 oz. in addition to my already 100 oz. intake. We were disappointed on our way home. Now having woken up for the day and processing what happened it has occurred to me that I really put the Squirt in danger by being so anxious. And I feel really bad.

The Word of the Day is... Preeclampsia

2008-08-21T08:12:00.004-05:00

My urine came back yesterday as preeclamptic. My BP's were also high again. The Dr. put me on bedrest, instructed me to make another appt. for an NST for Monday. Watch for signs of rapid onset swelling, and headaches. I've been having contractions since yesterday but not regular by any means. If I get through the weekend, we'll see how the NST goes on Monday and induction is heretofore a topic of discussion.

I'm tired. E is freaking out. I'm bored laying in bed and it has been only 12 hours. It's also a little difficult to reach my laptop keyboard to type. So, I'll let it go for now.

Get your freak on

2008-08-19T12:37:00.002-05:00

I had a Dr. appt. yesterday at 9:40. I got seen at 10:20. My blood pressure was high. Truthfully it has been borderline this entire pregnancy. I'm still having spikes in my blood sugar. The Dr. was looking at my history and decided to send me to the lab for some blood work, order a 24 hours urine analysis, and send me to L&D for a Stress Test.

The Squirt really had everyone going. Everytime they placed the heartrate monitor on him and left the room, he would move. So they had to restart the test several times. I was having contractions while strapped up too. I think I had 4 while I was there. He maintained activity and heartrate through the contractions so things looked fine. I didn't get a vag. check which I'm OK with. I hate those things. After they were done with their tests I waited for 40 minutes before they came back in and told me I could go home. I made it home 10 minutes before the bus dropped off Dani. Sure, I wasn't stressed at the hospital, but making that 45 minute drive home trying to beat the bus did stress me out.

Sitting there feeling and watching the contractions come on was kind of driving home the idea that we will have a baby sometime soon. Very soon. Based on the urine analysis they will decide whether they want to induce me early or not. It was like deja vu. I remember having the same issues (except diabetes) with Dani at exactly this point in my pregnancy . I had the blood pressure, stress test, analysis (which didn't warrant any concern), and was told the same information. I went into labor with her at 37w2d. That is this Sunday with the Squirt. SUNDAY!!!

Am I ready? Well that depends on your definition of ready. Do I have the stuff that I need? I think so. Do I actually feel ready? No. With Dani we went to hospital that night just as a precautionary measure. Little did I know that I was actually in labor. We just went with the flow. Now, I know that my body is going through the same changes and processes and it makes me very aware that the same thing could happen. I love planning and scheduling, but I also know that he may not come this weekend.

I know that he is strong enough to. I know that he is in position to. I know my history suggests that he is ready. But I'm a little freaked out.

Ok, make that ALOT freaked out.

Story Time

2008-08-12T11:32:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here at 35 weeks and 4 days pregnant, trying not to contract, and reflecting on this pregnancy. Currently, I am hungry, which makes me think about my blood sugar which is turning out to be the bane of my existance. It is getting more difficult to maintain the requirements set by my doctor. The morning fasting number is the most frustrating. It is supposed to be less than 90. However, I have only accomplished this twice. It doesn't matter what I do the night before. Have a no carb snack, no snack, or my regular snack, my number is still above 90. I've even tried..... *ahem*.... 'exercising' before going to bed and that didn't help either.

The worst side effect of gest. diabetes has been how it has effected my sleep. Last night I drempt that I was throwing caution to the wind so E, Dani, another little girl, and myself were going to Olive Garden for dinner. I was going to get a big plate of pasta and a tiramisu. When we got to the OG, it was closed. Like not the OG anymore. Instead it was some sort of medical clinic that didn't advertise exactly what they did there. Well, I was pissed. And crying. And I had to pee, so I went in to use their restroom. Only, they wouldn't let me leave. It was some sort of weird medical commune.

We tried to escape several times but their security kept getting tighter and tighter. Not too mention that, although it was Florida, the parking lot was 3 feet deep of packed and rutted snow. By the end of the dream, we had been placed in an apartment within the confines of the commune, and members of the staff were posted outside our house with shotguns in case we tried to leave. They even made us open all of our windows slightly so that they could hear us in case we tried to make an escape plan.

I even tried calling the police on my cell to tell them that we were being held hostage by these weird doctors and the police were saying that they couldn't intervene unless there were shots fired. And my cell phone battery was dying, and I didn't have the charger. Of course, I couldn't use the house phone because it was bugged.

All that for a tiramisu. That I never got. I woke up starving.

Overheard

2008-08-08T14:54:00.002-05:00

This exchange was overheard the other day when Dani (whose ALL imagintive play revolves around her being pregant at least twice in a 5 minute time frame) and a friend were playing.

Dani: My water just broke.

Little Girl: That's OK. I'm a plumber!

How's this for Southern Comfort?

2008-08-05T11:54:00.003-05:00

Let's discuss comfort. I don't know what that is anymore. Currently, I think my uterus is over my ribs. Sometimes when I bend the wrong way I feel like my ribs are going to pierce my uterus. For several weeks I have felt like I have a bruised rib because the Squirt pushes constantly on one spot. The only relief I have is when I lay down. And I can't lay down all the time. I have stuff to do. And a 7 year old to entertain. Plus last night, it felt like whatever side I was laying on pushed my ribs to overlap the other side of my chest. I feel like my skin is the only thing keeping my body together.

Comfort food. None. The doc slightly reprimanded me for a few spikes in my blood sugar at my last appt. I would love to have some ice cream. I really don't think that 2 or three spikes is bad for 2 weeks of good readings. Especially when I know exactly what caused them.

Baby shower. Makes me uncomfortable. I don't generally like having a fuss over me. My friends are all so excited though, and they really want to celebrate with me. For that I am indulging them. Plus, I really didn't want to spend all the money myself buying everything, but I was prepared to. Baby showers have always been so painful. I could probably count on one hand the number that I have attended. And I hate shower games. On the upside, I love visiting with my friends. Talking, laughing, eating (screw blood sugar that day), crying. I have been so lucky to have such good friends here.

Clean comfort. I don't have the energy to clean the whole house in one day. So, I take a couple of days to clean the house. By the second day, the first day's stuff is all messed up. And someone who takes wood ash out of the fireplace and sprinkles it around the house like fairy dust the day after I have vaccuumed and mopped doesn't help. I'm looking at you Dani.

Cool comfort. I know that Florida gets hot. I know I feel it more because I am pregnant. But Gawd it is HOT. I can't go outside to weed my flower beds, like I could bend over to get there anyway. I can't sit out on my front patio that E made for me because it is too hot. I can't go for walks, again to the chagrin of my doctor. Even the swimming pools and the Gulf are too hot.

On top of it all. I'm having a baby. Sometime in the next 3 to 6 weeks. I look at Dani's baby pictures and wonder what she would look like as a boy. I remember her snuggling with me, and sleeping on me. Smiling, and babbling. And then I start crying because I have loved every minute with her. Even though she drives me insane she does it in the most creative ways. Then my nose gets stuffed up and I can't breathe and I start gagging because I can't blow my nose because I can't catch my breath. Then I throw up because I'm gagging. And let me tell you, throwing up in front of the toilet in the last trimester of pregnancy, retching and peeing at the same time, is the most uncomfortable of all.

I'm so lucky.

When the Paint Dried....

2008-07-22T15:37:00.006-05:00

I was left with this.

The first four are a 360 degree view of the room starting from the doorway. The fabric from the curtain was my inspiration for the theme. I copied the animals from the fabric and painted them on the wall, then I painted a grass border all the way around the room except behind the dresser. I still want to paint that shelf on the wall a dark brown. It's on my list. I also made the changing pad on the dresser and the pads on the rocking chair. The crap on the shelves is not staying.... I just need to find new places for it.

That lamp isn't staying either... but you know, finding new homes for things.
Hospital bag waiting to be packed. Currently the only things I have to put in it are a new toothbrush and a package of Kotex.

This is my first ever quilt. It's kind of gimpy, the squares aren't perfect, the actual quilting is bunched up a little bit, but I love it. The yellow gingham is actually Dani's old bedroom curtains repurposed. I hand quilted little stars and hearts in the blue squares. I really like how it turned out.

Stuff

2008-07-15T09:43:00.002-05:00

I don't know what to write. Things are progressing. Things are good. I got the Squirt's bedroom painted and OMG I love it. I got the curtain done, and the quilt. Next I need to make cushions for my rocking chair. We also bought a dresser this weekend. A friend gave me ALOT of clothes, so I don't really need to go shopping for that stuff.

I keep forgetting that there are other things happening this summer besides having a baby. Dani's birthday is in 2 days. (By the way, her attitude greatly improves when she is grounded from talking to me. She is only allowed to communicate in notes and she hates it. But it works. She only lasts about an hour, but it is a peaceful hour.) I haven't gotten her any gifts yet, we had a combined birthday party with cake and ice cream this past weekend so we are off the hook for a party. However, I feel guilty that we won't be having a party but honestly, the way that she has been so aggravating and ungrateful, I don't think she deserves it. School is going to start before the baby comes so I have to do back to school shopping for her.

Mine and E's anniversary is the end of August. Then we only have a couple more weeks to wait for the Squirt.

Speaking of which, when I go into labor, I have 45 minute drive to the Navy hospital where my doctors are. If I go into labor during the work week, E will have to get home first to drive me adding another 30 minutes before we can even leave the house. That means, I may be in labor for over an hour before I even get to the hospital. And if they tell me that it is false labor and send me home, well I just might die.

Screw Calgon, give me a drink

2008-06-28T09:24:00.003-05:00

Things are quiet around here regarding everything for baby. I'm at a standstill for finishing the Roman shade for the Squirt's room and I'm nervous about starting a quilt because I don't want to mess it up. I still haven't started buying clothes or anything else for that matter. But we did bring the crib down from the attic and OH MY GAWD, there is a baby crib in my house.

However, the front between Dani and I is tumultuous. Maybe it's summer boredom, maybe it's hormones, maybe she's trying to force me into early labor. Either way, I am losing it with her. I have signed her up for a summer gymnastics program, a summer reading program at the library, I'm trying to get her to do Girl Scout stuff with me so that we can spend time together and to help her keep busy. She doesn't want to fingerpaint, color, craft, cook, shop... nothing except watch TV. And I seem to get punished with everything that I suggest that we do together. Yesterday for example, she spit gum in my purse and somehow set off the alarm on my vehicle. Not too mention canceling her 'Mom's Love Band' that she was forming because evidently she doesn't love me anymore and I make her "want to poke her eye out with a pencil". Yeah, yesterday was not a good day.

In fact, I felt really guilty about it, but I emailed E at work and told him I was looking forward to having a child who could not talk.

So aside from my daughter hating me, and not liking anything that I do, coupled with my development of gestational diabetes I'm doing just great.

Sunrise ~ Sunset

2008-06-11T08:41:00.002-05:00

For the past couple of weeks I've been making mental notes about the differences in this pregnancy and Dani's. Granted, it's been seven years since I was pregnant with Dani, but there are quite a few things that stand out to me. It wasn't until I was talking on the phone with a friend who had a baby last month that some of these differences must be attributed to age. My friend had her first at 24, and has just had her third at 29. She said that being pregnant this time was a lot harder on her.

And then I thought about me. I was 24 when I was pregnant with Dani. And it was great. I felt awesome, looked awesome, excercised, and had energy.

This time.... well, things are different. There is always the foreboding that something will happen and we will lose the Squirt. But then there is fatigue. At 26 1/2 weeks, I still need to take a nap at least 3 days a week. I pee when I cough or sneeze. If I accidently turn onto my back while sleeping; I get stuck. My lower abdomen is tender; I attribute this to uterine growth. I have leg cramps now. I'm always hungry. The weight I've currently gained is only 6 pounds less than I had with Dani at 36 weeks. My feet always feel swollen and tight, though they don't appear to be. For the life of me I cannot remember to take my prenatals.

Am I complaining? I don't think so. I'm just noting the differences. I would go through a lot to make sure that the Squirt comes home safe and sound. I'm too grateful to complain.

Dork

2008-06-11T08:40:00.001-05:00

Only my husband can lay in bed at night while reading ahead for his Philosophy class and laugh at the arguments in the text.

Back to Routine

2008-06-07T17:20:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling better having my house back.

Dani is done with school. She is on her way to 2nd grade!!!

We painted the Squirt's bedroom and I'm going to start getting fabric to do my accents in the room. I also plan on taking some of the animals from the fabric I get and painting them on the walls to help break up the monotany. I love murals.

I cautiously started shopping. Nothing too extravagant, but I also met up with a friend of mine from class and she gave me a swing, bouncer, pack-n-play, carseat, stroller, and jumper/activity thing. All for $100. I was so excited.

Have you noticed the reuseable canvas bags that grocery stores are selling at the checkout counters? You know the environmentally friendly ones for like a buck? Well, I had intended on making myself some and then I found some for .70 a piece. I can't make them for less than that. So I got about a dozen and a half. I love them. They are much more sturdy than store issue plastic and easier to carry than paper bags. I use them almost all of the time. I keep them tucked in between the console and my seat in the front so that I remember them.

And Flicka, yes, I would like the quilt instructions that you mentioned a few posts ago. If you have time that is. I know you are getting ready to go out of country.

Gah, I've wasted enough time on the computer today. I need to get cleaning.... something.

Dear Mom

2008-06-01T21:44:00.002-05:00

1. You weigh 200 pounds. Walking down the street in MY neighborhood with your shirt rolled up and tucked under like a White Trash Redneck is not appropriate.

2. You weigh 200 pounds. A magical diet is not going to make you lose weight. You have to work for it. And that means walking faster than a turtle.

3. If you get embarassed when Dani leaves your bedroom door open while you are napping and you are naked, don't sleep naked at other people's houses.

4. Stop making comments that its OK if E is in our bedroom after his shower naked and we all see him.

5. Don't bring your own food to my house. I can buy our food. I don't like the things that you bring and it makes no sense to bring containers of your own drinks. That is why I ask what you want to eat when you plan your trip so that I can have it here. And I'm sorry, but the food that you bring/make is disgusting. Even if you are not the one that cooks it.

6. Don't come and visit me if you are going to sleep all night and all day waking up only to eat, pee, flatulate in my house and make a joke of it, and talk on the phone all day long to my sisters who can't get their lives straight.

7. Stop bailing out said sisters' when they have problems. You don't like it that Sister 2 goes out drinking? Stop paying her rent and bills so that she has to pay them, and then she won't have the money to go out.

8. Stop making plans to take Sister 2's kids so that she will move to FL. Sure, she sucks as a mom, but so do you. And you can't stay awake long enough to take care of children.

9. Stop buying dogs.

10. Sure, E and I may discipline Dani a little harshly at times, or not address her the way that you deem appropriate, but she is well behaved and respectful. And she loves us.

11. Don't give me real estate advice. I've learned how to do everything in my life the way that I do because of the way that you have fucked up everything that you do. You cannot expect to keep refinancing your mortgage and ever pay it off.

12. Stop buying vacation packages. (especially when you 'accidently' use someone elses bank card)

13. Don't walk around my house in a towel after your shower. Especially when my husband is home.

14. Don't touch my stomach.

15. Don't give Sister 1 relationship advice on how to make J love her. You know you would be the first one to cheer when they finally split up for good.

16. And when you are talking to her on the phone, don't compare your marriage with my Dad to her marriage. They are nothing alike and you were the problem in that relationship. Not Dad. He loved you.

17. My name is not Preggo.

18. Don't walk around in my house wearing shorts and a sports bra especially when my husband is home. Just because it is a sports bra does not mean that is doesn't require a shirt.

19. Don't buy 'crab bait' and 'fish bait' and store it in my freezer until the next time you visit. I don't have the room and that is gross.

20. If I accidently leave something private on my computer screen don't look through it. My friends on MySpace do not need you trolling around and snooping in their lives.

21. Don't lay down with Dani to 'help' her get to sleep. She has been going to sleep on her own since she was 3 months old.

22. Don't EVER get my family a pet.

23. I am not adding a room onto my house as a 'mother-in-law' room. Nor am I selling my house to gain an extra room so that there is room for you to visit. We bought a small house on purpose. And you have a magical timeshare to use and there are condos on the beach 6 miles away.

24. Keeping bottles that had water, soda, or juice in them at purchase should be thrown away. Not refilled with whatever you want to refill them with. Get a real cup or bottle that can be refilled.

25. If you really did eat as well as you say you do, you would not weigh 200 pounds.

26. Blowing your nose at the table is disgusting.

27. We all know that your marriage is not that great. You are constantly sneaking money away to help the girls with their problems and not understanding why S gets so upset.

28. Your religion is cooky. I try to be understanding, I try to let it go, I try to be accepting. But it's just cooky.

29. You are not a psychiatrist, doctor, counselor, financial adviser, or pharmacist. Stop giving people advice like you are any of those things.

30. Brother doesn't talk to you because he doesn't like you. He's not up to anything that wouldn't approve of... unless you don't want him to go to school, support himself, or have a close network of friends.

Well, that would be a nice start.

Must be love

2008-05-23T21:09:00.003-05:00

Conversation between me and E.

Me: (Looking into the mirror with a scowled brow) The waistline on this shirt makes my tits look huge.

E: (With a sly smirk) No it doesn't.

Me: (With slightly improving self esteem and adoration) Really?

E: Your tits are already huge.

Me: (Eye roll)

Three Words

2008-05-22T10:56:00.002-05:00

Doggy Diaper Rash

That is the current affliction of our dog caused by Urine Burn. Which explains why she has been whining so much more lately. I felt so bad for her that I almost cried. The tech shaved her as close as she could and her skin is red and sore in close to a square foot area. They put silver sulfate on her, the same that we got when Dani had a burn last summer, and they said to use Desitin until this clears up. Well, I already have some diaper rash ointment so I will use that.

This all started after her surgery when she would not wake up to go potty. There were just these puddles where she had been laying. So we had her on an incontinence medicine. Evidently it wasn't working. So now she is on something else and it has helped. Oh, and we may have to start setting an alarm to wake her up to go potty at night.

I feel so guilty that we didn't notice this before.

I'm the White Elephant in the Room

2008-05-15T12:37:00.003-05:00

I'm going to get a little controversial here for a moment. One of the classes I had was called Social Problems. This class dealt with things in our world/community that affect society in a negative way, ergo Social Problems. We discussed population, marriage, drugs, families, abuse, crime, weapons..... and on and on. It was very interesting and I liked the class but it was a quite heavy for my heart to have to come to terms with what the teacher was saying. And in most ways I agreed with his positions and opinions. I really got into the environment/global warming discussion and population.

With that in mind, the recent natural disasters in Mynamar and China have me feeling a little ambivilent. While it is sad and horrible that those places have suffered a large loss of life, it kind of needs to happen. In a lot more places than just there. I do not exclude myself from this idea. Though I would rather something occur naturally rather than war related. Although, if a nuclear bomb were to be dropped on us in our area, that would be fine. I guess what I mean is I don't want to suffer, my family to suffer, to be homeless, or destitute. Just ended.

Also by the end of this class I am pretty much decided that E and I won't try for another baby. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I probably would have decided not to try again anyway. It's all about population control. We are not going to go extinct unless we destroy ourselves. So let's quit fighting and start working together. And let's get gas prices down because OMG $3.75 a gallon?!?! It's not right and it needs to change. I am purposely not going anywhere unless I absolutely have to in order to save gas. It makes me very angry.

Be Still My Beating Heart

2008-05-13T09:09:00.003-05:00

Have you seen the annoucement on TV by some legal team saying that if you've had heart surgery, the operating team may have used a drug 'without your knowledge' that may have severe side effects including death and if you have had this heart surgery you need to call them right away?

That's really awesome to tell someone who has a heart condition.

I'm just sayin'.

Busy as a Bee and Dealing with Pee

2008-05-13T08:18:00.003-05:00

For months I have been waiting for the end of the semester so that I could relax, chill, get organized. Wanna know what I have done in the week since classes have ended? I have pressure washed 85% of my house (why didn't anyone tell me that pressure washing was so gratifying? I love it. I need help.) I have repainted my garage door and my porch railing (when I pressure washed I noticed the paint was flaking), made my Mother's Day cards, designed a card for a friend of mine, and I finally mopped my floors. I think its just the 'active' phase of my pregnancy. I think its too early for nesting. Also.... I'm procrastinating all of the shopping that I have to do.

Not because it will be tiring, but just because whenever I walk into a baby department I start having an anxiety attack. Then sales people start asking if I need any help, then about a dozen women with little babies pass by me. That's why I prefer setting up a registry online. The only downside is that I can't find everything that I need online so eventually I will have to go to the store.

Since we know that we are having a boy, I want to start looking for fabric and picking a color scheme. I have a lovely white porch rocking chair that I got last year for Mother's Day that I would like to bring into the 'room' and I would like to make cushions for it. Also, I have never made a quilt and I would really like to try. For Dani I cross-stitched a blanket and she still likes to use it. I would like for the Squirt to have a special blanket that I made for him as well.

On a complete tangent, after Sasha's surgery last week it took 5 people to carry her out to my van on a stretcher because her back end was still out from the anestesia. That's 81 pounds of dog and hair for those of you keeping track at home. They let me borrow a brace with handles on it to help her move around. I think that she has most of her mobility back, though it wasn't great to begin with. However, for a couple of days she did not have control of her bladder. Once she was laying on the living room floor and there was just a puddle at her back end. We looked at her and she wagged her tail and she had no idea that there was pee back there. I had also noticed a considerable wet spot on my bedroom floor. I don't have a carpet cleaner, which now I guess I need to get. The smell was getting pretty bad when I had a stroke of genius. White vinegar. I sprayed the carpet with white vinegar maybe 4 times throughout the day and by bedtime the smell was gone. So, if you have pet odor, try white vinegar in a spray bottle.

And I Shall Call Him.....

2008-05-09T08:30:00.001-05:00

Squirt

Because he is 'rippin' rollin' and punchin'. This baby moves like Krazee.